Every semester starts the same way; you vow to take a new approach to school by getting everything done in a timely manner, unlike last semester, right? That won't last very long—it never does. But when exactly does the semester start to go to hell? Here is a very calculated and scientific look into the steady decline of the typical college student's mental stability.
Week 1: You're all rested up and ready for a fresh start.
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By the end of the summer, you start to get bored and antsy to go back to college, so you welcome the regimented schedule and enriching classes you registered for the semester before. You and your sun-kissed skin are set for a rewarding school year, and you swear this semester is going to be different. (Spoiler alert: It won't be.)
Week 2: You're in the groove.
Now that syllabus week is over, you feel like you have a good grasp on how each class works. The professors hype their classes up to be the most fun and relaxed class ever, and you get excited to go every day. You find yourself planning your outfits ahead of time and actually showering, and you show up early to class to arrange your brand new, plastic-smelling school supplies on your desk. Oh, how naive you are.
Week 3: You are a master at time management.
You still find it fun to write out to-do lists and follow your daily planner to a T. You manage to get all of your homework done every night, work out, eat a balanced meal, spend time with your friends, and get a little television in before bed. You really think you've got this college thing down, huh?
Week 4: You run solely on caffeine.
Things are starting to get a bit more hectic, and you're aiming for the Dean's List, but with the help of that sweet, sweet, caffeinated nectar, you've got this in the bag. Easy, right?
Week 5: You start to discover that your professors are not as easy as they claimed to be.
They've already abandoned the sacred syllabus, and even though they said that they are lenient graders, your B- essays are not proof of that. The trust you once had in your authority figures is now gone, and you can see the semester going downhill. How many more weeks of this?
Week 6: You have trouble getting out of bed...for your afternoon class.
Twenty minutes before class starts, you're pulling out the syllabus to check how many unexcused absences are allowed and tallying up how many you have left. "Boy Meets World" is on at 1 p.m.? Screw you, Intro to Political Science.
Week 7: Procrastination has completely consumed you.
If procrastination is part of your daily routine, is it still procrastination? Think about it.
Week 8: Your all-nighters are wearing you down.
After doing the endless scroll through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr, Buzzfeed, Reddit, your old Myspace page, Xanga, Club Penguin, and the obituaries, you finally start your homework. And then, voila, it's time to go to class. How many days in a row have you been wearing those sweatpants?
Week 9: You've had it with all this talk about the future.
Especially for juniors and seniors, being bombarded with emails about internships, career fairs, graduation, and job openings is overwhelming. The only thing worse is when your mom calls you and asks, "So what exactly are your plans for after college?" Ughhhhhhhhh.
Week 10: Your anxiety rears its ugly head.
You were so proud of yourself for making it this long keeping it mostly together. But with finals just over the horizon, I foresee a meltdown in your near future.
Week 11: You can't imagine how you'll manage everything you need to get done.
You just received the rubric for your final paper, the study guide for your Econ exam, and were assigned a group project. At this point, you need to quit your part-time job, dump your significant other, and start feeding yourself liquids through a tube because you are not leaving the library for the next month.
Week 12: You throw in the towel.
Everything is meaningless. You simply cannot go on like this, so you start to pick and choose what assignments are actually worth doing, and which ones are just a waste of your very limited time. Read 87 pages of "Henry IV?" Absolutely not.
Week 13: You try to find an alternative to going to college.
Not long ago, you had big dreams, but the burden of student loans and being an adult is finally sinking in. Maybe you were planning to move to the city to pursue your writing career, or you were saving up to get your own place and start graduate school. But by week 13, you're avoiding your homework by deeply considering the Craigslist ad you saw that is looking for surrogate mothers (I mean, $50,000? Come on!) and contemplating faking your own death, "Gone Girl" style.
Week 14: Even you realize you've lost your mind.
You haven't looked at yourself in a mirror in weeks, and your professors won't even make eye contact with you anymore. Which is probably for the best, because your mental decline is their fault, and it's taking all of your willpower to not hiss at them like a snake.
Week 15: You're a full blown maniac.
By week 15, you don't remember the last time you were truly happy. You're a shell of your former self, you don't remember even walking to class this morning, and you don't know why there's a remote control in your schoolbag instead of a stapler. But the moment you hand in your final assignment, all of the worries of the last several weeks just seem silly. Then you go home and realize you have nothing to do for the first time in months and feel lost, and you hate yourself for it. Just try to get some sleep and recover, I'll see ya next semester.
