Just a little message I've been telling myself lately to overcome my struggles.
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Life is a complicated thing. One minute everything can be in place and the next things can fall apart before your very eyes. This experience is one that I have had to endure myself for the past two weeks.
Two weeks ago Thursday, I headed up to New Hampshire the night before so I wouldn't have to travel far to move into college the next morning. Now I'm from Massachusetts so you can imagine the commute it is for me to get up the White Mountains Region.
The next day I woke up bright and early ready to move in, but my mental state wasn't the greatest, even during the night before. I should have been excited like most of the other eager teenagers wanting to begin the next phase of their lives, but my heart wasn't entirely in it. After I moved in, I tried to spend time with my awesome roommate and a few other friends I had made during the summer to get my mind off of being so homesick. These distractions worked.... but only for a short period of time. At night, the feelings of longing and sadness began to creep back into my mind. Needless to say, I had some sleepless nights.
Three days later, I attended my first day of classes. I had one class on Friday but Monday was the day classes officially began. I sat through this class called Citizens Politics. I previously read the course description and thought to myself "This actually sounds like an interesting class. I might like it." But boy was I wrong. The professor laid before me a syllabus with coursework coming out the wazoo. For example, he wanted three research papers and three chapters of reading to be completed within the week. Now I know that college is a far different ballgame than high school, but the workload was too much for me. I spent so many years in middle school and high school pushing myself to the brink to maintain honor roll status. I'm proud of myself for having been able to do so, but it took a massive toll on me.
After a week of being in college, I just knew it wasn't for me right now. At this point, you're possibly going to label me as a failure and a disappointment, which is to be expected. Not everyone understands the decisions I make and vise versa. That's okay because I don't expect them to. Though what I do expect them to realize is that I did what as best for me. My mental and physical health and my happiness comes first.
Anxiety wasn't the only factor in my decision making process. The finances were the other major factor. No matter what you think, colleges are a business. At the end of the day, they are only your friend if you're making consistent payments. As soon as you have your first late payment, it's over. They give you twenty four hours to move out and that's all.
Am I disappointed that college didn't work out for me right away? Of course I am. Am I disappointed to leave behind the friendships I was beginning to make up there? Of course, but at the end of the day, I'm happy to be home. Most teenagers can't wait to get away from their families and party until all hours of the night, but that isn't me. It never was.
Three days later, I got a text from the teacher I volunteered/worked under at the local elementary school near my high school saying that they wanted me back again at least once a week to help out. You see, I spent my senior year of high school as voluntary teacher's aide twice a week during my study periods with special needs fifth and sixth graders and I absolutely loved every minute of the experience. I loved the positive feelings it instilled in me, the students themselves, and the concept of teaching. That's what I wanted to study in college. I was planning on being an elementary/special ed major.
A few days ago I payed them my first visit of the school year and instantly felt my happy self arise. I was greeted by all of the familiar friendly faces as I walked down the hall to get to the room I was looking for. When I did, I was ambushed affectionately by the remaining students from last year and even some new ones who had heard about me. In that moment, I just knew that I was home.
Also that day, I was presented with a job opportunity in my field of interest with only a week of being back. I was recommended by the teacher I volunteered and worked under last year for a full time after school teacher's aide paying job. It was perfect for me in several aspects such as that's what I spent a year doing already, the school is close to my house, and it's working with kids. I called the number she gave me right away and managed to schedule a job interview.
The interview was two days later. I got asked a series of basic questions relating to my experience and reasons why I wanted the job. I answered each one pretty well. After doing so, the employee interviewing me handed me a few forms to fill out with a wide smile on her face. She told me that the job is guaranteed for me once the certification process has been on its way. That only takes one to two weeks, but after that I get to start the job that makes me the best version of myself and I can't wait.
When I came home that day, I finally realized that everything happens for a reason. Maybe one day when the time is right, I'll give college another try as well as explore some other potential options. Until then, I'm just going to take things one day at a time and live in the moment.
