"In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." -Proverbs 16:9
Never has this verse been truer to me than the last six months. And never has it been harder for me to accept that I am not in control.
Now I have known that I am not in control of my life, but there's a big difference in knowing that in theory and knowing that in practice. Since truly understanding what it meant to be a Christian and understanding more of the Bible and God's infinite power in determining my life I have seen examples of not being in control of my life, but it wasn't until insomnia really started affecting my day to day life that I have seen how little control I have.
The summer before senior year did not go well, to say the least, and I had a last minute housing switch and that combined with the situation that made the switch necessary turned my insomnia from "can't fall asleep until 3 am" to "can't fall asleep at all" which naturally wrecked havoc on my entire life. And so almost one year later, finally with some solutions to insomnia, my life looks a lot different than I "planned".
This is both comforting and terrifying for me, and I have come to accept that it's okay. I can be afraid, as long as I am taking my fears to Jesus, who in His perfect love will cast out fear (1 John 4:18). What's not okay is when I try to "handle" my fears, which often looks like trying to take back control.
I can clearly tell when I have been in the Word and in prayer by how much I am trying to take back control, and how anxiety ridden I am, and how hard it is for me to sleep.
Just this week, while trying to figure out my summer, my anxiety has been high, and my sleep has been all over the place. And have I been going to the Word? No. Or when I have it has been half-hearted and full of distractions. God is kind to show me so clearly my need for Him because if He didn't would I go to Him? Maybe, but I would probably try to handle life on my own, even though I know how terribly that goes.
It is so funny to me, how obvious my need for a savior is, who makes up for all my many mistakes, but how I still, time and time again, convince myself I have everything under control. It would be easy for me to pity myself for having anxiety, depression, and insomnia but I know that it is in these that I see my need for Christ.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
