Before I was well acquainted with her, I knew Madeline Hyde as “The Legendary Lesbian” of Nolan Catholic High School. This institution, which she and I both attended, is located in Fort Worth Texas and is built on years of Marianist tradition. While the school’s reputation used to emphasize academia and a global mindset, in the current day it has become more athletic centered – football especially – while also carrying the tone of a namesake school as one attended to continue family traditions, or merely because the name of the school itself still carries a great deal of weight. Madeline and I attended this school alongside one another, although she was a year ahead of me. I didn’t have any direct contact with her until later in my high school career, but my junior year I began to hear mention of her in a very specific light. Somewhere during the year I began to hear talk of “The Lesbian”, “That Gay Girl”, “Abby’s girlfriend”. I wasn’t fully "in the know" about her situation, but I was very aware of the murmurs that circulated around her, as well as the tension she kicked up simply by existing. Although I wasn’t involved with Madeline very much in high school, a year later, when she began attending Saint Edwards, we became friends and I learned the full circumstances of her story. From what I gathered, it seemed that Madeline’s greatest transgression at Nolan was not her sexual identity, but rather the fact that she refused to apologize for it.
I developed a friendship with Madeline upon her departure from Nolan, through mutual friends and the fact that soon we would both be attending the same university. As a queer woman who has only very recently come to terms with and opened up about her identity, I turned to her for help with relevant issues, and learned a great deal about her experiences at Nolan. Contrary to my expectations, she had not intended to be outed in high school. Instead, she was outed by someone she had trusted and confided in. Much to her horrified surprise, suddenly that aspect of her identity was not her secret, or their secret – it was hot gossip. Before I go into the ramifications of this, allow me to illustrate the environment that Nolan Catholic embodies: This is a school built on old traditions, with very carefully monitored categories for everyone and everything. There were clear divisions, especially between the genders – the uniforms ensured this. The boys wore their pressed pants, polos, and short hair; the girls wore modest skirts and concealing socks. There was no room for ambiguity in any sense – particularly with the teachings of the church. There was not a single Theology teacher who would hesitate to condemn non-Catholic behavior or ideology. Many of them compared homosexuality to bestiality or pedophilia. The students were mostly aware of how outdated their elders were and made attempts to be more progressive and open; however, their attempts could only go so far, and then bigotry would appear wrapped in a near-impregnable coating of political-correctness. This was not an institution open to change or new ideas, but this was the one wherein Madeline found herself laid bare.
A few things began happening at once. Suddenly, she was popular – not in the sense that most high school kids aspire after, she was just well known. Her name was common knowledge, as well as her sexuality. Suddenly there were isolated, conservative children approaching her and beginning conversations with “Hey, so you’re gay, right?” Suddenly she was the encyclopedia on homosexuality and the entire school was trusting her to educate them on “the Gays”. This fascination with Madeline and her sexuality likely stemmed from a few major components. First, she did not match the largely conceived idea of what a lesbian was “supposed” to look like. She was not very butch, didn’t have the short hair or “edginess” that somehow comes attached to the very concept of lesbianism – she looked very much like the rest of her peers. This fact alarmed the populous of Nolan, many of whom were expecting the Typical Gay. That version of homosexuality was okay with Nolan – the type that they could safely recognize and commodify as the Gay Best Friend, the Sassy Gay, or the Independent, Man-Hating Lesbian. However, Madeline didn’t allow the students of Nolan to stay in their safe place. She challenged them to see her as just another person – and this was met with uncomfortable excitement. The faculty and administration responded a bit differently.
News of Madeline’s sexuality reached Administration’s attention in no time – as is common in small schools like Nolan – and it was greeted just as one would expect. The school was largely not allowed to affirm her identity – for fear of “encouraging homosexuality” – despite visible signs that the girl was struggling to cope with being outed in such a way. The heavy silence that followed Madeline in the presence of administrators and teachers was unnerving, and, she felt, undeserved; Madeline had always been a hardworking student, an ambitious photographer, and involved member of the student body. She didn’t cause trouble or break the rules, and yet suddenly there were unspoken but very real implications that she was some kind of rebel. She resented this fact, resented how a part of her which had never affected her life in this way before had become such a defining factor for how she was received by her teachers. She did have two instances of faculty which broke the rules – a teacher and counselor who called her after school to let her know that they loved and supported her despite what the school was telling them about maintaining distance and not encouraging her. Of course, she had to keep these admissions to herself. If administration caught wind of their words, their jobs may well be on the line. So, at the very least, Madeline was not alone in her situation – she knew she had her beloved teachers and her friends by her side.
Still, she faced issues – one of which just about every queer person is familiar with. For my purposes I will refer to them as Easy Outs: means of easing people’s reception after coming out of the closet. There are two main Easy Outs – the first of which I call “Straightening up,” relies on ensuring that you’re “straight” enough to not upset the status quo – ensuring that every word and action is measured as to not alarm the straight eye, so as to not be perceived as a threat, a weakling, or an abnormality. The second is essentially the opposite, which I call “Personality Gay Syndrome.” This occurs when a queer person becomes their sexuality in all aspects – they change themselves to fit a preconceived idea as to what a gay person is – the familiar sold product that the straight eye can recognize and enjoy as a form of entertainment. They lose the parts of themselves that do not adhere to this idea and become commodified. Madeline chose the hardest path – she did not alter herself to make it easier for her peers to categorize her. She forced them to accept that their ideas about her and about her sexuality were misplaced. However, not everything stayed the same after she was outed.
As earlier stated, Nolan was not a place that encouraged diversity or openness for a great number of students, contrary to the constant themes of love and acceptance found in the New Testament. Madeline knew from experience that allowing this school's outdated ideas to continue uncontested caused feelings of isolation which end up promoting self-hatred, so she took it upon herself to challenge those, respectfully, whenever she got the chance. During Theology classes she did not hesitate to raise her hand to contest the so-casually spoken condemnations that had become routine. She argued respectfully, not combatively, but never allowed the other side of the argument to be unsaid. On free-dress days, she would occasionally wear a shirt which read “Legalize Gay," though she was often asked to cover it up. She, alongside our mutual friend Abby Pfaff, attempted to begin a Gay-Straight Alliance, to provide a safe place for LGBT+ students, but the motion was shot down. Before she graduated, her final act of rebellion was to take her best friend – the aforementioned Abby Pfaff – to prom as her date. This caused a great stir, and preserved her name to classes even after she graduated. Her very presence and refusal to apologize for who she was made such a great impact.
The conditions that Nolan implemented regarding homosexual students is reminiscent of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Policy, implemented in 1993 by the Clinton Administration. This compromise was meant to alleviate the previous assertions that homosexuals had no place in the military or in war, but ended up merely pretending there was no other option other than the default straight person, given that they were not allowed a second choice. This was a step up from the previous policies, but was not the progressive movement it was meant to be. In many ways, it was more malignant – there was thereafter a high emphasis on not appearing gay or otherwise giving others a reason to suspect, which naturally leads to repression, denial, anxiety, and self-hate. This idea of “You can be whatever you want – as long as I never have to see and/or deal with it” is, in many ways, harder to progress past than earlier, more blatantly bigoted policies. It presents the idea of freedom and openness, but does not actualize them. In essence, you’re free to be hidden. In Nolan, many fell prey to the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” mindset – the hateful words of teachers and delightfully scandalized whispers of their peers did not fall on deaf ears. The required words of “be yourself!” were spoken halfheartedly, and those many heard their quiet addendum: “…just not like that”. Madelyn experienced this same mindset, and initially did not sign up to be the poster-child of lesbianism. However, in dealing with her unplanned outing in the way she did, she showed how obsolete such a mentality is.
Today, Madeline and I attend university together, both out and proud. She transformed in my eyes from “that one gay girl” to someone I know, trust, and admire. She taught me that sometimes, the best form of rebellion, is denying those in the majority a fun fight- to maintain yourself and your identity, and pay no mind to theirs. She showed how much power can be contained in a single individual, and how satisfying it is to show that you cannot be moved. I still look up to her to this day, and think of her example when I try to represent LGBT+ youth. Her rebellion was quiet, but it served its purpose, and I will never forget what she has taught me.
