Recently, due to a number of TV shows I watch far more frequently than is healthy, I've been seeing a lot of drama surrounding televised, fictional rape scenes that has made it clear that understanding exactly what constitutes rape is seen differently by different people. While most people will accept that one person forcing another person to have sex is rape, certain scenarios make it difficult to understand what it means to force somebody into unwilling actions and what constitutes consent.
Rape is defined as "unlawfulsexualintercourseoranyothersexualpenetrationofthe vagina,anus,ormouthofanotherperson,withorwithoutforce,bya sexorgan,otherbodypart,orforeignobject,withouttheconsentof thevictim" according to Dictionary.com, and most other definitions read similarly. The problem with defining rape occurs when the issue of consent is debated. This is why so many rape cases never see court. Proving consent, or lack thereof, is extremely difficult. Especially when there are external factors, such as alcohol involved.
The law tells us that a person who is incapacitated is unable to give consent, meaning the a drunk or otherwise incapacitated man or woman is not able to give consent. While this may seem straightforward, it makes situations where both parties were drunk very complicated. College is exceptionally full of parties, drinking and sex, which often occur in congruence with each other. People have a lot to drink, have sex, and regret it the next morning. Somebody then realizes that technically, they were unable to consent and can press charges for rape. Here we must realize that we do not know who instigate what, as both parties were drunk. Verbal consent is not possible because of the alcohol, but if neither party gives consent, who is guilty of rape?
Men are equally incapacitated by alcohol. And I am not saying this excuses drunk men from rape. I know that rape is a vile and disgusting act that very frequently does occurs when men drink too much and attack, coerce or manipulate women into sex. This is not the scenario I am addressing. In such a situation, there is a clear aggressor and a clear victim. Let me clear, there is no excuse for rape. I am not, and would never attempt to justify any such behavior. It is of the utmost abhorrence to me. What I am saying is that men can be raped too.
What I'm trying to explore is a situation without a clear aggressor. A non-violent, and even amicable situation where two, probably very nice people have sex, and somebody wakes up feeling violated. They could not communicate this while drunk, likely because they did not feel that way while drunk. Which means that they likely gave the other party every reason in the world to believe that this was consensual sex, especially if that other party is also drunk. When two drunk people have sex, who is to blame? As a society, we often assume men are the aggressors, and blame the man. However, men can fall victim to women who wake up feeling very differently from when they fell asleep, and I do not see how it is possible to blame a drunk man for not knowing how the girl would feel eight hours later. I do not think that is rape. I think that both parties made poor decisions, but there is no justice in pinning a woman's decision on a man because she no longer agrees with it.
I want to say again that I am not talking about clear cut rape situations. If you did not give consent, you did not. There is no excusing that. A drunk man can understand the word no. But I want to challenge our societies gender stereotypes, because right now they are not working fairly towards anybody. Woman rarely see justice for rapes committed against them and rape culture is a very real problem. No means no, no matter what you are wearing or what you are doing. You have the right to back out at any time. But men suffer when rape culture is challenged to a point where men are held responsible for things out of their control. We need to stop assuming things, on every side.
We need to be willing to listen without judgement to all parties. If a girl tells you she has been raped, listen. Help her. Fight for her. But we cannot let our love and compassion for that person create so much anger that we do not seek the truth. My allegiance is not to men or women but to truth and justice, but sadly some of these situations are more complicated than they seem. Rape does not always look like the man in an alley with the knife or the kind uncle in a back room with the candy. Sometimes I wish it did, because then we could point fingers and know that they are evil and should be condemned. But our world is not that simple, no matter how much I wish it was.
