I've had my heart broken a lot.
It seems like every time I think things are going to work out, quite the opposite happens. I end up investing so much time, energy, effort, and love into someone who does nothing more than break me even farther. With a love history so negative, moving on from my past struggles can be very difficult. I get so caught up in harping over flings that went south and I spend too many nights staring at the ceiling wondering what I did wrong. If I would've been a little bit kinder, been a little less me and a little more perfect, would things have been better? Would he be the one like I convinced myself for so long that he was? I harp over this person and this heartbreak for so long and it consumes me to the point where it's the only thing I think about when I'm alone.
Then I meet somebody new. He stumbles into my life when I least expect it, just like all the love advice columns tell me he will. I try not to rush things. I try not to force things. I go about this newfound love following this unwritten rulebook word for word. I think things are going great and I stay up all night laughing with this person over FaceTime or on our nightly walk of campus. I convince myself I'm ready to love again because when I'm with him, that's exactly how I feel.
Then the ghosts hit. The creep up on me without warning. They'll come in the middle of the afternoon when I'm just pushing through my work shift. They'll hit me like a brick when I'm talking to my friends about nothing even slightly related to my love life. And you best believe the ghosts overrun me when I'm just hopelessly waiting for a text back.
The ghosts tell me to give it up. They tell me it's not going to work out. That he hates me. That this is all a joke to him. That he's going to string me along until I sleep with him then he'll leave me high and dry. That a girl like me will never find a pure love. That I better get ready to settle majorly because I am not worth it. These negative thoughts are all thanks to how poorly I've been treated in the past. Things have fallen according to the ghost's line every other time, so why would now be any different?
I like to convince myself that I'm over my past heartbreaks, but the truth is, I'll never fully be over them until I can enter a new relationship without these ghosts of my past creeping into my mind. I know this is going to take a love unlike any love I've ever experienced. One that's fills me so completely that I don't have to doubt a single thing. One that makes the fears I have from past heartbreaks vanish.
Deep down I know one day I'll find it, no matter what these ghosts tell me. I'm worthy of the kind of love I desire.
