I did not choose this. I know I seem complicated. I know it's hard to be close to me. But no, I cannot turn off my anxiety. The first thing we want you to know is, it has nothing to do with you. The emotions we are displaying are not the result of something you have said or done. It is much more complicated then that.
My mixed and unstable emotions are the result of a chemical imbalance in my brain caused by something much more complex that even I don't understand. My brain will sometimes take over and I cannot control what I'm saying. There will be days when I will sit in my room and want to cry all day. There may even be days when all I want to do is talk to you about how I feel. But I'm sorry to say, I will never be able to control when these days happen.
The second thing I want you to know is, I cannot control my introverted mindset. When you asked if I wanted to go out with our friends and I said no, it's not because I was "sick" or "tired." There are days when I will be completely disinterested in doing anything but laying in bed. I love my friends, family and boyfriend with all my heart. I would give anything to make them happy. But as much as I may want to, I cannot go out sometimes.
I cannot have a family dinner. And no I cannot meet your family today. Large social events make me want to throw up and meeting new people will cause me to throw up, literally. I may have said no but it's not because I don't want to be happy. And it's not because I am mad at you and want to make you upset. Events that are overly happy and express large amounts of joy cause me to be highly uncomfortable. Being surrounded by smiles, laughing and celebration makes me overwhelmed.
The third thing I want you to know is, just because it doesn't bother you doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. The little things are what make most people happy but for someone suffering from anxiety it's the little things that bother us the most. What does that really mean, though?
Imagine a 12 year old girl in a dance recital. She's on stage and in front of around 150 people with bright lights shining on her. There are 20 other girls dancing in front of her. But while every other girl is so excited to be up there dancing, she is in the back row and all she can think about is what if. What if she forgets to point her toes? What if she's so focused on remembering the routine she forgets to smile? The little things are what cause the most pain for anxiety sufferers. Although no one could see that girls toes or if she forgot to smile, it's what bothered her the most. Why? Because the anxiety that has settled in her mind has taken over. It causes her to worry about every little detail rather than to enjoy that moment.
The last thing I want you to know is the most important. Above all please remember, I'm trying my hardest. I will never be the same as you but I am so grateful to have someone like you in my life. You may never know exactly what I am feeling that day or what is going on in my life but do not worry. Suffering from anxiety means I don't wish to to be the center of attention. I may never share everything with you. Please don't take it personally. I am trying my hardest to get better. I may never be "normal". If you don't see me running to therapy or asking for medication please do not assume I'm not trying to get better. I am aware of my troubles and I'm healing myself in my own way.
My anxiety does not define me. I am a pretty wonderful person if you get to know me. But I want to say thank you. I may not express it enough but I am truly grateful to have you. You stuck by me through my worst times and I know that wasn't easy. My anxiety does not define who I am. I didn't choose to be this way and if I could change, I would. But knowing you are here for me and support me is the biggest thing getting me through this.
