“I just wonder, do I ever cross your mind.” ~Ne-Yo, Do You.

There is no pain like a broken heart from having lost a friend. This is an open letter to my former best friend.

To my former best friend,

While those words by Ne-Yo do come from a love song, the message and question behind those lyrics can be universal. As in, I do wonder if I ever cross your mind. Things ended on a bad note for us indeed and I am more hurt that I am not sure where we went wrong. I would like to reach out to you and talk, but at the same time I respect your right not to talk to me in general so, I would rather not bother you and throw off the flow you’ve developed in your life without the friendship we used to share.

I did reach out once, though, offering a letter in my chicken-scratch handwriting letting you know that I was in a good place for the most part because I remember how you used to worry and, about how I wanted to clear up anything someone may have said to you without my knowledge. And, badly written as that letter was, I did include a peace offering of cupcakes. Maybe it wasn’t obvious but, each of the cupcake flavors I chose had some significance based on an adventure or joke we had. Either way, I did not get a comment of any kind back from you, be it an “I still don’t forgive you” or a, “let’s talk.” While a response of any kind would be great, I hold no ill will towards you and responding, in general, was your prerogative so, no hard feelings on this end over no response.

One last thing I would like to point out is, I did not replace you. The textbook definition according to Merriam Webster’s dictionary is, “to put someone or something new in the place or position of (someone or something)” and well, that would imply that the two entities, the one that used to fill the place and the one that fills it now, are alike in every way; sort of how batteries can be replaced again and again.

You are a one of a kind; I used to think of us as a pair of square pegs. I figured that was why we got along so well. Moreover, you are not someone who could be replaced so, please do not think that for a second I attempted to do that or even that such a thing was my intent.

You came to see me when I got very sick in the hospital at the beginning of my battle with an illness I’ve finally started to win and funny enough, when I came to, I did ask for you by name. That fact and the reality that we no longer speak truly hurts me deeply in my heart. I really do wish we could go back in time and fix everything but, we cannot. My depression had been getting the best of me those few months after and, while that is no excuse, I used it as one. Either way, even if you have not forgiven me, I hold no bad feelings. If you would ever like to, I don’t mind grabbing some ice cream or some lunch, on me of course, I am well enough to drive my car now and we could meet somewhere.

Regardless, I wish you nothing but the best.

Sincerely,

Your former best friend.