"I can always count on you!" "You're the best!" "You're an inspiration!" "Nothing can stop you!"
"You're a hero!"
Even with compliments and words of encouragement like these, this world isn't always a pretty place.
In fact, there's a lot of ugly things that exist in the world: from lighter problems like someone taking your unofficial assigned seat and when someone eats the snack you've been waiting all day for to bigger problems like ignorance, racism, homophobia and prejudice to name a few.
In a society where bad news is as common as clouds in the sky, it's hard to see the brighter side of things. Some might even feel that this world is hopeless, that there isn't any good in the world. Well other than puppies and the superhero stories in media, there are good people still in the world - the real heroes.
After the real MVP of heroes of those who dedicate their lives to keeping us safe as first responders, there are the everyday heroes that we might see in our own lives. Maybe it's the one neighbor who kept you out of trouble. Perhaps it was that one teacher who pushed you to become the best version of yourself. It could even be someone as obvious as an older sibling or parent who has protected you and taken care of you your entire life. Most of all, there are the biggest unsung heroes - your friends.
I'm one of those types of people who my friends know me better than I know myself. I've been blessed to encounter the people I've met during my 22 years on this planet. My friends have pushed me to become a better person, to want to do right, to be a hero.
I'm the person that is always awake, just in case someone needs to desperately talk. I'm the person who will drop almost anything at the drop of a hat to help someone in need. I'm the person who will cover your shift if something comes up. I'm the person who will forego sleep just to make sure you get the help to get the rest of your work done. I'm the person who can be busy as hell but will still try to help you if you need it. I'm the person who will always come in clutch when you really need.
All those phrases at the beginning of this article are things I hear often. Do I do these things to be a hero? No. I do these things because with all the bad in the world, the least we can do is be a hero for another person, even if it's just a small thing, like buying someone lunch when they don't have enough money, holding a door open or just smiling at someone (in a totally not creepy manner). People need to be able to see the good in the world and sometimes it's really amazing to see how grateful some people feel after you save their day.
But, if I learned anything from "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice," it is that a hero without hope might be going through the motions of heroics, but can be completely different from what people need.
Doing the right thing for people has always grounded me, it has always provided me with the reason to endure all the anxiety and stress I go through. Doing the right thing fuels my passion that makes me a great journalist. Doing the right thing hasn't failed me, until now. Because without this to ground me, I'm lost.
I've lost my hope.
To be more accurate, I'm burning out faster than a shooting star disintegrating while entering the Earth's atmosphere. From afar, I'm sure I still look pretty good and incredible, but in reality, I'm just falling apart. What made me incredible is leaving me faster than I can even process.
I'm crashing down because I've reached my limit, I need time to breathe and relax. I have been going hard since December when I left to study abroad.It's April.For three solid months, I've just been putting my every effort into being the hero people in my life need. There was a brief moment in February when I went on a retreat called Encounter and got to breathe, but it just pushed me to become an even better person to others.
Heroes have secret identities. They can protect the ones they love this way, but also it gives them a chance to not just be the person in the cape. I love helping people, I really do, but I cannot honestly keep up with this demand to always be the hero.
I cannot be the one who stays up with you when you need me most. I cannot be the one who chases you when you're lost. I cannot be the one who drops the rest of my life just to help you with your own responsibilities. I cannot be the one to listen to someone complaining about their significant other. I cannot be the supportive friend you've always relied on. I cannot fight all of your battles. I cannot live your life. Worst of all, I cannot stop myself from burning out alone because I cannot say no to someone in need.
Just because I'm a reliable person doesn't give you the right to exploit me.
I'm tired of being this type of person all the time. I need a chance to breathe. I need a chance to recharge. I need a chance to focus on me. Right now, I'm no hero. I'm just a survivor who is trying not to crumble beneath the mountain of anxiety that is on my shoulders. I'm someone who is barely able to keep her eyes open or go more than 10 minutes without wanting to cry because of stress.
I'm just a scared college student who is terrified of dealing with her own life because everything is becoming so much more real while simultaneously being expected to still take care of others. I need a break. I need people to treat me just like Kristina. I can do all those things if people just let me have more than 24 hours to just reorient myself. I don't want to be scared. I don't want to burn out.
I just want to breathe.
So please. Give me some time. Don't ask for the hero, just let me be. I will be there if I can just find the hero in myself. I know this world is an ugly place, but I promise if you just give these clutch heroes in your own lives a chance to breathe, this world can be made into something a little bit more beautiful.