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Eulogy For My iPhone

Not even the weight of a Toyota Camry could destroy your character.

Lauren Silverwood

Aug 09, 2016

University of Alabama Birmingham

709

Digital Trends

As cliché as it sounds, you never fully appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore. I personally consider the demise of my iPhone to be tragic. But I also consider my disdain over this loss to be selfish. Nevertheless, as part of my grieving process I feel obligated to share this heartfelt eulogy about my first iPhone.

A tribute to my first iPhone:

RIP Lauren’s gold iPhone 6, 16GB

July 2015- August 2016

My Beloved iPhone. Brought into my life after Noah’s Great Flood of 2015 destroyed my previous cellular device. Survivor of being run over by a car, multiple drops and thunderstorms while backpacking. We had a good thing going, iPhone. You’ve been there for me through every workout, every jam session and every e-mail I needed to send on the go. You were loyal only to me, recognizing my fingerprint alone for TouchID, and keeping my passcode close to your motherboard. Who else could I ever trust to guard every photo I ever took of my food and dog?

Every Instagram worthy picture you took and every unworthy photo you took are gone with you. Every Snapchat that you sent and received will be cherished, and every GroupMe message remembered fondly with a tear in my eye. I miss you every time I go to check my pocket and you aren’t there. Without you, Apple CarPlay seems like an almost pointless feature to have in my life. Sometimes, early in the morning I still think I can hear you blasting that annoying little alarm to wake me up at 6am, 6:04am, 6:11am, 6:17am, 6:19am, 6:22am, etc.

I am so sorry that my uncoordinated self couldn’t keep you safer. I’m sorry I only invested in a commuter series Otterbox when you could’ve been enveloped by a LifeProof case. I was a fool to give you anything but the best. However, you have to admit, it’s impressive you never received a single scratch or crack in the time we’ve been together. That *little* bend you got after being run over just went to prove your resilience and strength against anything that tried to crush you. Not even the weight of a Toyota Camry could destroy your character.

In short, you will be missed iPhone. While I wouldn’t go as far as saying you are totally irreplaceable, you will always hold a special place in my heart. #RIPiPhone

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Eulogy For My iPhone

Not even the weight of a Toyota Camry could destroy your character.

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#Adulting is hard.

1. Taking care of yourself when you're sick

2. Making a to-do list

3. Planning your activities around the weather

4. Scheduling your own doctor’s appointments

5. Getting your own toilet paper

6. Making food without needing to ask your mom questions

7. Holding your tongue

8. Saving your paycheck (or your tax refund) to pay your bills

9. Balancing your checkbook

10. Going places alone

11. Packing your own lunches

12. Actually eating your vegetables...on purpose

13. Taking a multivitamin

14. Planning a life after graduation

Sometimes bigger isn't always better.

1. If something happens, everyone knows about it

2. Never getting to be invisible

3. Knowing every single thing about every single person in the town

4. New kids are a big deal

5. It’s hard to make new friends

6. On that note ... the dating pool is even smaller!

7. Teachers are weirdly close to their students

8. It forced you to make friends out of school

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

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