I had become interested in the idea of sex surrogacy upon reading an article titled, Disabled and Fighting for a Sex Life, written by Katharine Quarmby. The article explores the taboo idea of those who have a disability engaging in sexual activities, although rare. But many have resulted in sex surrogacy (or medically assisted sex)in order to receive the sexual pleasure they have been seeking. Sex surrogacy is essentially an avenue for those who are disabled to experience sexual gratification that they have so long fought for. A “sex surrogate” is someone who wants to help disabled people in being satisfied sexually. For a very long time, people with disabilities have been seen as sexless and are often ostracized from the sexual world. In a society that bases their idea of fun around sex, it is odd for one to think about how one would be completely shunned out from experiencing something that those without disabilities benefit from frequently. It is not exactly an abstract idea to understand that those who have disabilities also have sexual desires similar to the majority of the rest of the human race. The idea should not be considered taboo. It was important for me to have this question answered: How common is sex surrogacy for disabled people? Is it generally seen in a good or bad light?

Throughout history, disabled people have been treated differently than the rest of the population. This is explained in Quarmby’s article, Disabled and Fighting for a Sex Life as well as (S)exploring Disability by Kirsty Liddiard. In Liddiard’s research, she stated that the sexual desires of those with disabilities have been labeled “inappropriate and unnecessary through dominant sexual stereotypes” which, in turn, has them be considered “asexual.” Similar conclusions are drawn Disabled and Fighting for a Sex Life. Quarmby stated that often disabled people have been characterized as “asexual, hypersexual, perverse, and contaminated.” This is really strong rhetoric for both authors to use in their work. Nobody wants to be characterized as any of those things and I believe that like everyone else, disabled people are entitled to having sexual relationships. They are capable of experiencing these things and experiencing intimate relationships just as you and I are.

My interest was further piqued when I read On Seeing a Sex Surrogate a short memoir written by Mark O’Brien. O’Brien was struck by polio when he was only eight years old and had been in a wheel chair ever since. O’Brien stated that he had always had sexual desires for both men and women, but had never been able to act on them because of society’s view over his circumstance. It was not until he was 35 that O’Brien lost his virginity to a sex surrogate. In graphic detail, O’Brien explains the raw details of how he was waiting so long to have a sexual encounter. O’Brien was, initially, extremely hesitant on seeing a sex surrogate. “What would my parents think? What would God think?” were among his many fears in his decision on seeking one. I believe it was a brave decision that O’Brien made and it was out of self-interest. I also find it important to note that his memoir was written in complete honesty. It talked about the injustices those with disabilities experience sexually. O’Brien recalled his experience with a sex surrogate as helpful in realizing that “intercourse is not an expression of male aggression, but a gentle, mutually playful experience.” He was able to draw similar conclusions as people without disabilities drew, though some without disabilities have not even drawn such conclusions. As this essay took several years for O’Brien to complete, he was able to draw long-term conclusions. Toward the end of his memoir, he stated that he wondered if seeing his “sex surrogate was worth it.” He continued to describe that he felt as if he still was in sexual isolation similar to what he was in before his experience with a sex surrogate. In contrast to this, Sheila Jefferys wrote an essay titled Disability and the Male Sex Right, condemning the idea of sexual surrogacy. She classified it as “prostitution” and claimed that it would teach men the “exact opposite” of treating a woman with “respect of personhood and relationships and intimacy.” Although it is important to note that sex surrogacy is not exactly the same as prostitution because it is a collective group of people that are ostracized from sexual experiences. This type of surrogacy was constructed for disabled people, it is not a financial goal for the sex surrogate. I believe there are different ways of going about sexual surrogacy that set it apart from the idea of prostitution.

This brings me to my next point; Sex surrogacy is not a crime and this I personally agree with. In I Give Disabled People Orgasms for a Living, Spencer Williams explains how he was 23 when he first had sex, he had always wondered how he would ever have sex as he had always been in a wheel chair. Like O’Brien, Williams also lost his virginity via sexual surrogacy. Williams stated that with his sexual surrogate’s help he “was able to express [himself] in a healthy way and his comfortable with [his] sexual preferences now.” The rest of his article features an interview with his sex surrogate. Williams’ sex surrogate, Joslyn Nerdahl, makes it abundantly clear that this job is for medical purposes only and that it is not prostitution, but a profit is collected. Sex surrogacy is meant to teach those with disabilities their sexual comfort level. Williams take on sex surrogacy seems to have a more positive outcome than that of O’Brien’s. Like O’Brien, his experience with his sex surrogate is not just a onetime deal. They both had seen their sexual surrogates many times and this was to establish a proper emotional relationship between them so that they were more comfortable in enjoying their experiences.

It seems that sex surrogates have good intentions behind their work. They provide the necessary outlet that those with disabilities are looking for. It is seemingly common among the disabled population although the numbers of how many engage are unclear. This could be due to the fact that there are a lot of questionable ethics around the idea of sex surrogacy. This goes back to the ideas that Jeffreys brought forth on. She asserted that because the idea of sex surrogacy was associated with prostitution, it would probably teach the wrong values to those who are disabled. This may not be true because those who are surrogates do this to awaken and engage disabled people in sexual activities. There are no current laws that forbid disabled people to engage in sexual activities with surrogates. Nerdahl, Williams’ sex surrogate, stated that sex surrogacy should be legal because “as long as what's happening is happening between two consenting adults, there's no reason anyone should be criminalized for it.”

I find the idea of “medically assisted” sex to be a very useful tool for those with disabilities and those who are without a sexual outlet. I do find it to be a sad circumstance though in the sense that some people write off the possibility of having sex with someone that has a disability strictly because they have a misconception of their disability. Katharine Quarmby found that 44% of people in the UK would “probably not” engage in any sexual activities with someone that had a disability. That is nearly half of the participants within the survey. Although that is not exactly the more significant side of the survey, it is still a staggering statistic. Those with disabilities are more inclined to be insecure about their sexual wants because they will believe that there are not people out there that will experience moments of intimacy with them.

As long as consent is involved between both parties, I believe that that sex surrogacy is an important resource for disabled people to utilize. It seems to bestow a great deal of self-confidence within them and allows them to thrive. They are able to feel normal and feel “part” of society regarding sex. As for my questions presented at the beginning, they have gone unanswered. It seems as though it is still a taboo topic for people to talk about. It seems only a few have gone forward to talk about their experience with sex surrogacy, as if it is a secret. The stories that contain personal stories with sex surrogacy seems to be sparse. This brings me to my final questions, is it really our business how they spend their sexual experiences? Who am I to say how someone wants to have sex and who it is with?

References:

Liddiard, Kirsty. (S)Exploring Disability. 2011, pp. 3–12, (S)Exploring Disability.

Quarmby, Katharine. “Disabled and Fighting for a Sex Life.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 11 Mar. 2015, www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/sex-and-disability/386866/.

O'Brien, Mark. “On Seeing A Sex Surrogate.” The Sun Magazine, The Sun, May 1990, www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/174/on-seeing-a-sex-surrogate.

Williams, Spencer. “I Give Disabled People Orgasms for a Living.” Vice, Vice, 18 May 2017, www.vice.com/en_us/article/bmwbz3/i-give-disabled-people-orgasms-for-a-living.

Jeffreys, Sheila. “Disability and the Male Sex Right by Sheila Jeffreys.” FeministReading Group, Women's Studies International Forum, 2008, feminsttheoryreadinggroup.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/disability-and-the-male-sex-right-by-sheila-jeffreys/.