It's that frenzied time of year again: back to school! And back to school means back to the stores to buy a bunch of over-priced stuff to help you survive the school year! Oh, what's that? You're in college now? Your shopping choices are extra important now because 1. you're an adult, 2. you have to hunt for your own food now, 3. you will be around other freshly birthed adults. In order to help prepare you for this wild time of your life, I have painstakingly crafted a back to school shopping list made up of items you actually need, nothing more and nothing less! So get ready, get set, and get in loser - we're going shopping!
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1. Coonskin Cap: $7 - $175
A coonskin cap is the perfect accessory to make a statement the first week of school. Make it yourself, buy one from the store, or steal one from a friend! This darling hat will not only keep you warm in the winter during a frigid hunt at dawn, but it will also help you establish dominance amongst your German Shephards, as well as your humans. This hat screams Manifest Destiny is alive and well and that the land is yours to cultivate! Heave ho!
2. Bucket of Worms: $15.44 - $183.53
Worms are the most simple and perfect kind of bait to have on hand. Whether you are trying to catch dinner or a significant other, worms will do the trick! If you can't find a bountiful bucket of worms at your local convenience store, try digging in the dirt in your school's quad, or looking underneath the washing machines in the laundry room. Another fun life hack with worms is that they also make great pets. They fit really well in your pocket and are quiet enough that you could sneak them into class!
3. Chinese Finger Trap: $1.09 - $56
Forget pepper spray or a pocket knife! A Chinese finger trap is the most efficient way to capture any possible attackers! Going to college can be a dangerous time full of unsavory charlatans who are out to steal your bucket of worms. You must protect your property and your God-given right to expand westward, so make sure to always have a finger trap or two stowed in your coonskin cap. And if anyone tries to approach you, reach out your right hand as if you were going to shake it like a Polaroid picture, and then surprise your enemy by sliding the trap onto their index fingers. To really finish them off, push their face away from you and run! Just don't forget to replace your finger trap supply after you use one, because you ain't never getting that back!
4. A Bag of Crumbs: $0 - $3.29
It's easy to get lost on campus when you're a new student! Make sure you never get lost again by always keeping a bag of crumbs on hand. Hansel and Gretel used regular old bread crumbs, but feel free to get creative and use the crumbs of any crusty food you can find! You can purchase bread crumbs in a can, crush up your leftover lunch, or go around the cafeteria and scrape the crumbs off of the tables. If you need to get back at any your enemy worm-stealers, you could always empty a bag of cookie crumbs on their bed to encourage an ant invasion.
5. Bees: $???
Do you ever have trouble waking up on time in the mornings? Then make sure you pack a bunch of bees to bring with you to college! Now that school is actually a choice, it is kind of expected that you actually go to class and arrive early or on time. A well trained swarm of bees will sting you awake when the sun reaches a certain position in the sky, ensuring that you will be awake and alert in time for class. You can capture your own bees and train them yourself (which could take up to six weeks), or purchase already trained bees from your local black market dealer or the Deep Web.
6. Pogo Stick: $16.99 - $439.99
Sometimes you might sleep through your bees buzzing and end up late to class. To get anywhere on campus as fast as a frog, hop on your pogo stick and pogo to your destination! If anyone is walking too slowly in front of you, you can simply pogo jump over them instead of having to slow down or squeeze through the crowd to get around them! The loud creak of the metal spring will also scare away any birds that might try to get at your bucket of worms or bag of crumbs.
7. Coffee: $3.95 - $11.91
This special blend of minerals from the Earth when mixed with hot water will help provide you with energy and strength to last you the whole day. Without coffee, you might miss class or fall asleep in weird places (making you prone to being Chinese finger trapped). Make sure you purchase plenty of coffee for your length-of-stay in college in order to survive. However, don't drink too much of this special drink or you might poop your pants or not be able to sleep at night.
8. A Garbage Bag: $1 - $16.29
Similar to the majority of the items on this list, a garbage bag is quite versatile. A garbage bag is most useful for carrying books to and from class and your abode. It can also be used as a makeshift invisibility cloak, to store garbage, or can be cut into a shiny cape. If you're feeling really wild, you can even use garbage bags to decorate your room and make your bed.
9. Drunk Goggles: $79
The perfect going-out-gear for any social adult! Why waste money on alcohol, when you can feel drunk and disoriented with goggles! You will be the life of the party with these stylish glasses. Just be sure to not wear them while driving or playing basketball, they may impair your vision. Don't forget to write your name in Sharpie on the side of them so no one mistakes your goggles as their own!
10. One Sock: $1.50 - $29.99
"Master has given Dobby a sock! Dobby is a free elf!" Make sure that you bring at least one sock with you to college. A sock has so many uses, especially for the modern college student. For example, a sock can keep your foot warm, be made into a puppet friend, be put on your doorknob to warn passerbyers not to disturb your worm bucket cleaning session, and can free you from your house elf duties! They come in many colors, shapes, and lengths to meet all sides of your personality!
Total: Priceless
All of these tools should bring you success in the Hunger Games or college. With the right attitude and the right materials, anyone can feel at home at their new school. Best of luck to you all this school year and may the strongest survive to improve the gene pool!
