Applying to college was one of the most nerve-wracking processes of my life. I watched countless videos on Youtube of "How to Write an Essay for the Common App" in order to get some ideas of what I should write about. We even had a whole two weeks in English class dedicated to writing the perfect application essay, complete with free editing and advice from our talented English teachers. When beginning the application process, there were only two things we were advised not to write about: religion and politics. So, naturally, I wrote about my (lack of) religious faith, and sent it to one of the most well-known Catholic universities in the United States.

Since I was young, I have been taught to love, praise, and worship God. Growing up in a Seventh-Day Adventist church, it was pressed onto me. I attended a Christian school for seven years of my life and knew nothing except how to live a life in the footsteps of Jesus Christ. I gave myself to Christ in the sixth grade, not fully comprehending the importance of surrendering to Him who gave me life. All I do, all I say, all I think, and all I am reflected his presence in my soul. I prayed for salvation after watching a movie in sixth-grade Bible class about the second coming: when the world would be destroyed, and death and famine would strike, and 666-the seal of the devil-would be impressed on the foreheads of sinners. I knew that I did not want to be a part of that in any way, shape, or form, so I asked God to protect me from eternal damnation.

As the years went on, my Christian education shifted to public school. Not all of my friends were religious, I began to behave in a way that no one could have predicted, and church attendance was almost non-existent. My sudden exposure to secular beliefs and lifestyles clouded my faith, and prayer was no longer a vital part of my daily routine. The grace said at the table became empty and served as a recited, thirty second gap between being served and getting fed. All the emotional and mental hardships continued despite constant begging and pleading for mercy and happiness from my God. The world became uglier and more grotesque: innocent people dying, hatred spreading across the country like wildfire, and imminent war waiting for a spark to set it aflame.

Why were these things happening? Why was my God not doing anything to help those who He created like He promised? Countless tearful nights wondering "why? Why? Why?" led to doubt and uncertainty about the validity of my God. I made no effort to reassure myself that He was there, guiding me and leading me in the right direction. A constant state of overwhelmingness from school, friends, and family pushed me to rely on myself rather than my faith. I have a Bible in my room, with verses and advice that I've collected over the years, highlighted and underlined; but for what? Passages memorized, not for personal spiritual progression, but for a measly grade in Bible class. Passages telling us to pray, and trust in Him. But will prayer really end our earthly struggles? World Hunger or social injustice? Cancer, murder, or rape? The Bible says, "ask and you shall receive", but to me, it just seems too good to be true.

As I write this now, I am swept by a wave of guilt, for questioning His existence and not fully trusting Him. My internal battle between faith and self-reliance is something that I continue to struggle with despite encouragement from my family and religious advocates that I have come across over the years. I tell myself that I can make it on my own, but deep inside, I know that is a lie. Deep down, in my God-fearing heart, I know that He is there, inside, outside. Everywhere. Although I am not as sure as I was when I was younger, I have faith that in time, I will be able to better understand my relationship with Him and his presence in the world.

When underclassmen ask me what was different about my application that got me into such a well-known school, I always tell them to take risks. Be conscious of the audience you are writing to, and aware of the picture of yourself that you are painting for them. The essay is the first personalized piece that an admissions director sees of you, so make sure that the story you decide to tell, reflects the character you will bring to school, no matter how risky or non-traditional it may be.