I hate the word "exotic." It brings me to a time when I was talking to this guy over video chat, and he couldn't help but say

"You're the first Asian woman I've dated.

You're very exotic."

I cringed, but of course, it's now one of many anecdotes to tell my friends when we talk about "Weird Things White People Have Told Us Because We're Asian." Yes, those conversations exist, but no, sadly, they're not titled that way but that's basically what happens to so many Asian women. This obsession with Asian women as the exotic comes with a phenomenon, a fever, a fetish if you will.

"Fetish" immediately conjures an abnormal activity from the lexicon of acceptable sexual behaviors. Tria Chang, a personal writer for the Huffington Post, talks about her relationship with the word "fetish" when used in the term "Asian Fetish". She describes a situation in high school when a boy asked her to be his girlfriend, opening a cascade of gossip to float around that the guy had a thing for Asian girls or an "Asian Fetish." Chang relates her young understanding of "fetish" to herself, surmising that "someone likes you because of a fetish tells you that you are by nature strange, abnormal."

Asian women know too well the symptoms of "Asian Fever."

It includes receiving comments supported by generalizing stereotypes that may not even be true, such as being docile, submissive, hyper-sexual, and having a body meant for higher pleasure ("Tighter...down there…). These connotations have historical and social contexts tied to them, including the depiction of Asian women in media as small women allowed to be thrown around, told what to do, and dominated. It touches upon some strings in American masculinity (to be powerful, in control, etc) and feeds into the power of stereotypes and judgments that also feed this country.

However, current times have made Asian women more self-aware of this stereotyping, and as Chang points out in her article, there's an internal conflict between dating a white male and wanting to break free from the stereotypical Asian Girl/White Guy trope and to not be "complicit in a pattern that was rooted in violence and colonization."

It is such an interesting and relatable sentiment to constantly think about whether the person you're seeing really sees you, and not just your skin color or physical features.

I'm not just talking about "seeing you for who you are" rom-com crap. I'm talking about what Asian, Latina, Black, and Native women have to go through every day, "Do they want me for who I am or the color of my skin? Am I, all of sudden, an ambassador for an entire race, culture, and history for this person to feel aroused by because of what I symbolize rather than who I am?"

To answer that question: Probably not.

Or at least, I hope not. I have a silver lining that objectifying and reducing women of color to stereotypes is not the cause or the intention. It's never been the intention for the good people out there but it's still a lingering thought for many women of color, a voice in the back of your head that you can never quite shake. It seems that the infiltration of knowledge and self-awareness has left us in the same limbo that it has left Chang. There is a disconnect between assuming the best from someone and the historical and social stories you hear about from the online grapevine that plays a tug-of-war in your head -- Am I a fetish?

The larger problem to consider, however, is how (self-) conscious we have to be about our race in these discussions about fetishism and in other conversations usually found in the ethnic studies realm, such as being conscious of one's cultural foodways, dress codes, and values.

P.S. When looking for a cover photo on stock photo, I typed in "Asian Woman" and the third picture was an Asian woman in a bikini, bent over suggestively. I typed in _____ Woman to see if others got the same results, and other women just had gorgeous portraits.

lol.