There I was, again. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and spinning a web of self-pity through endless complaining to my partner about how trapped I feel in my life. I’d like to think we’ve all been there. We feel stuck at dead end jobs, solely for the paychecks. We stay in mediocre relationships because we’re afraid of the alternatives. An infinite amount of things can make you feel like you’ve lodged yourself into a corner and can’t get out. I feel like I find myself here at least once a year. Why? Why do I have to be so damned neurotic about stuff? The answer is, of course, because everyone deserves to be their authentic selves. In search for my authentic self, I find myself here. In bed. Staring at the ceiling and vomiting all of my anxieties on my lovely and patient partner (who is probably internally chuckling at my hamster wheel of woe). This time, however, I said something that struck a chord in me. I was hearing myself make “I” statement after “I” statement. Everything was “I am this way” and “That is just how I am.” I realized I had created all of these constructs around who I thought I was and all of the anxiety I was feeling was around the idea that I couldn’t say or do or feel anything that would conflict with this preconceived picture of my identity. So, ok…that’s already the ninth level of neurosis, but when I went a little further, I discovered that more than identity statements, I was making a never-ending chain of possessive statements. Possessive statements, or ownership statements, are when you create attachment to something. “This is MY coffee shop. I come here every Sunday” or even “This is my identity” are statements that create attachment to those ideas. There’s nothing wrong with attachment, of course, but we humans like it so much because it brings comfort. We seek out community and routine and familiarity because we like comfort. And there’s nothing wrong with comfort until it gets just a little too comfortable. I love being comfortable. Probably because it so rarely happens. I latch onto the feeling like an addict and don’t give it up until I overdose on it and realize I am missing out on a full life for the sake a comfortable façade of one. What would life look like without all the “I” statements? How would I be different if I could keep my heart open without using comfort as a crutch for my fear? That’s really all that stops us from doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, isn’t it? Fear. We don’t leave our crappy jobs because we’re afraid we won’t be able to pay our bills otherwise. We’re afraid if we leave unhappy relationships, we’ll be alone or never find anything better. What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Personally, I’d sell everything I own, walk out my front door, and travel the world. I’d live in a tent and travel for cheap. Sleep on couches, meet tons of new people and always be looking at a landscape I’d never seen before. So, why don’t I do that then? Well, because my brain is telling me I’m not the kind of person that can do things like that. What a cruel joke that is for a brain to play on a person.
Brain: Hey, I have this cool idea for a life for us, Erica. What do you think? Sounds cool, right?
Me: Umm, yes please! Let’s do it! How do we make this work?
Brain: Oh, wait…actually, I don’t know about this. I don’t really think you’re the type.
Me: The type? The type to what? It can’t be that hard. I could just save up some money and…
Brain: No. Just no, ok? I mean, you’d have to be like…brave and resourceful and it would be really taxing, physically and emotionally. It’s not for everyone. It was a stupid idea. Just forget I said anything.
Me: Hey, Brain…What's your freaking problem?!
When I really look at my life compared to the people’s lives I admire, I really only see one difference. They just went after what they wanted. They aren’t different people from me. They feel fear and anxiety. They have moments of doubt. They crave comfort and community and routine. Nowhere in the Being a Human handbook does it say that you have to be one or all of those things forever. One of the best parts of being human is having the ability to change and grow and evolve. I, for one, don’t want to stifle that beautiful gift I’ve been given. We can try all we want to create constructs that tidy up the human experience and make it seem more comfortable, but the Universe will always find a way to remind you that your routine is not your life. Your small town is not your life. Your graduating class is not your life. Your career, your bank account, your physical appearance. None of those things are you because they are all you. It’s ok to shake things up and be different from one day to the next. You don’t owe society a palatable version of yourself. Make people uncomfortable. Take a sharp right turn and do something unexpected for no other reason than it’s something you have always wanted to do. Because, at the end of the day, you’re the only person that has to live with your choices. There’s no reason on Earth that’s good enough to justify not doing something that makes you happy. You can be 75 years old, a grandparent, and still start that rock and roll band you’ve always dreamed of. You can wear a fur coat to a PETA convention (if you like living on the edge). My point is that there are unlimited options for how you can choose to live your life. So often, we have a hard time seeing that because we are born into constructs, raised in a home full of constructs, and sent out into a society filled with even more constructs. That’s a lot of onions layers to peel away to see what’s on the other side. And even if you make it through, you probably still can’t see through the onion tears. No one is saying it’s easy. I’m certainly not saying it is, but I am saying it’s worth fighting for. It’s worth giving up comfort for fulfillment. It’s worth trading anxiety for uncertainty. Because I know at the end of my day, I want to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and be able to tell my partner that I was 100 percent my true self, all day long, and every choice I made throughout my day I made for no other reason than because it felt right to me.
