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Being An English Major, As Told By 'The Office'

"I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate."

Brenna Ritchey

Apr 11, 2016

Westmont College

Being An English Major, As Told By 'The Office'

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"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, [...] it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us," Charles Dickens once said of being an English major.

If you've decided to major in English (and join the elite group of intellectuals like Conan O'Brien and Reese Witherspoon who are also English majors), you're a brave soul. Obscure literary references will become inevitable. Being the go-to authority on anything grammar-related will become the norm. Misuse of "affect" and "effect" will, sadly, become a pet peeve you'll never admit you have (guys, effect is a noun). Sure, you may be stuck doing freelance writing for the rest of your life, but majoring in English might be one of the most rewarding things you'll ever do. So if you're in it for the long haul (and you're an Office fan), this list is for you.

1. You can use impressive words like no one's business. (Ebullience. Antediluvian. Propinquity.)

2. When someone asks you to edit one of their papers, you have no problem stepping up to the plate.

3. People always ask if you're going to be a teacher.

4. You know finding a well-paying job may be the death of you, but you smile through the fear.

5. Math and science classes have you like:

6. You quickly learn that all of your fellow English majors are amazing writers.

7. You've had to delete words (or sentences... or paragraphs) from your paper to shorten it, because reaching the minimum word count is never your problem.

8. Your nightly homework load consists of SO. MUCH. READING.

9. Getting a bad grade on anything English-related is ego-shattering and heartbreaking.

10. Turning in a paper you know you'll do well on is gold.

11. Shakespeare = endless sexual innuendos.

12. Book > movie. Always.

13. You take it personally when someone doesn't like your favorite book.

14. Or your favorite author.

15. You'll never switch majors because English is one of the few subjects you really love.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Being An English Major, As Told By 'The Office'

"I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate."

1. You can use impressive words like no one's business. (Ebullience. Antediluvian. Propinquity.)

2. When someone asks you to edit one of their papers, you have no problem stepping up to the plate.

3. People always ask if you're going to be a teacher.

4. You know finding a well-paying job may be the death of you, but you smile through the fear.

5. Math and science classes have you like:

6. You quickly learn that all of your fellow English majors are amazing writers.

7. You've had to delete words (or sentences... or paragraphs) from your paper to shorten it, because reaching the minimum word count is never your problem.

8. Your nightly homework load consists of SO. MUCH. READING.

9. Getting a bad grade on anything English-related is ego-shattering and heartbreaking.

10. Turning in a paper you know you'll do well on is gold.

11. Shakespeare = endless sexual innuendos.

12. Book > movie. Always.

13. You take it personally when someone doesn't like your favorite book.

14. Or your favorite author.

15. You'll never switch majors because English is one of the few subjects you really love.

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All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

We don't buy into these... just like how we don't buy our friends.

8. "The whole philanthropy thing isn't real, right?"

7. "I don't need to buy my friends."

6. "Oh, so I'll bet you love to drink."

5. "Can you tell me some of your secrets?"

4. "What do you do at your meetings?"

3. "Do you guys haze really badly?"

2. "Is it just like in the movies?"

1. "Sororities are so basic."

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!