Much to the dismay of his colleagues and professors alike, sophomore English major Colin Hefferman said Tuesday that Catcher in the Rye "was good, but just not his favorite." When quizzed about his actual preferences, Hefferman shrugged and grunted, "I don't know. I guess Huckleberry Finn is okay."

When the slanderous words left his mouth the classroom immediately got quiet, and one student fled the room crying. Another, Jessica Matthews, chose to fake cough to break up the two-minute silence. To ease the tension, peers chuckled and called the boy a “phony," but Hefferman didn't even crack a smile.

Department head Emily Stauffer commented that the school is wasting no time in handling the issue.

“We've spoken to Colin about his future here and discussed the consequences of an opinion so absurd," Stauffer said as she stifled back sobs. "This kind of behavior is unacceptable. Because of his inability to identify with Holden, we wonder whether Colin is angsty or troubled enough to continue this direction of study."

When I spoke to her, Stauffer absentmindedly stroked her bookshelf filled exclusively with copies of Catcher. She said she always gives the novel as a gift, regardless of the occasion. Her son Nathan, 10 months, already owns 12 hardcovers.

The other students, however, weren't at all forgiving.

“Honestly I don't think it would be that much of a loss," said Garret Simpson, fellow English major. “I mean, I've never seen him wear loafers, and I don't think he even owns an ironic T-shirt. Who the heck does this guy think he is?"

It seems the sophomore will need to reevaluate his skill-set and place in the world. At press time, Colin was considering changing his major to Communications, where the students also like reading but “aren't such a$$es about it."