About 3 months ago, my life changed. Big time. I made a big decision for myself that completely altered everything. I felt a shift in the energy around me, and I knew that I was setting the perfect path for me.
I won't get into too many details, but I had fallen into a very dark place. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I cried myself to sleep, and I cried the whole drive to work everyday. I was stuck. I was slowly losing everything that made me, me. But when you are in that mindset, and in that environment, there doesn't seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. I had no idea how to leave things that I had become familiar with and start over. I was afraid of continuing on with my life the way it was, but I was even more afraid of the unknown that would come with change.
I told myself for a long time, that I would never find someone that loved me again if I left. I thought maybe this was how it was supposed to be for me. I struggle with my own identity, sexuality and feelings on a daily basis. Being where I was then, meant that I didn't need to question those things. I had the answers in front of me. I had become comfortable with being unhappy, untrusted and misunderstood. I was lonely and isolated. But I also knew that there was some really good parts of me that I had shut out. I needed to do something, and do it before it was too late.
The breakup isn't what changed my life. Yes it was important, it acted as the tipping point for the life that i was meant to live. But it wasn't the most important part of my story. It wasn't, and isn't the reason that I am where I am now. I felt a weight come off my shoulders, and things began to come to life.
I've never really been into the whole "energy" thing. I always knew about the basic things, you know, karma comes around and all that. But 3 months ago, the energy in my life did a complete 180 and everything opened up for me. I made the scariest, but easiest decision. I took back control of my life and I felt the world shift underneath my feet. I was suddenly aware of all the possibilities that lay ahead of me and all the options I had in every aspect of my life.
There were so many things I could have been really, really sad about during that time. And I am NOT saying that I haven't had some sad moments. Moments where I have questioned the decision I made. But in those low moments I am now FINALLY able to look into the mirror and love who is looking back at me. She's beautiful, funny, caring, outgoing and so much more. I've made a promise to her that I will never settle for less than I deserve in anything I do in my life.
When I started really loving myself, I found so much to love about the life around me. I could complain about having to be responsible for two dogs on my own, but they are the most amazing and loyal parts of my life. I could complain about having to move back in with my parents, but I've grown closer to them and built up our relationship. I could complain about having to clean ice off my car every morning to go to work, but I have a car and a job! I am beyond lucky. I am beyond happy.
I've never loved myself as much as I do at this very moment. I've never felt so clear-minded, energetic and grateful than I do today. I did all of it by myself, for myself.
Look inward. I promise there's something really, really good in there.
And if you want to talk, I'm always here.
This is for: Mom and dad, Ali and Zach, Amy, Gracie, Alyse, Sayaka, my family and so many others. Thank you for being a part of this journey and for celebrating everything in life with me. I love you all!
