As I have grown older and found myself surpassing pubescence and entering the frightening world of adulthood, I have learned a few simple lessons of friendship and social interaction. For one, I had started believing that the initial teenage years of one’s life are considerably the most difficult because of the individual struggle with defining oneself and discovering identity. But, as I have gone past teenage angst and found myself getting closer and closer to my perception of the person I want to consistently embody and become, I find that a lot of the struggle and difficulty I faced earlier on still persists.

As much as I love to believe that the person I have developed into has obtained a confidence and comfort within my own skin, based on all of my experiences and accepted knowledge, I know that I still have a lot of work cut out for myself when it comes to achieving the best version of myself. I feel myself grow nervous a lot of the time when I am with certain crowds of people or in considerably age-appropriate settings and environments. It always overwhelms me with many self-questioning thoughts and insecurities. I believe that when it comes to myself, I have a tendency to amplify the situation that I make myself feel strong discomfort and doubt. At times, I get the same feelings I got when I was in middle school, trying to adjust to various friends groups and making my way into friendships.

Despite being an individual that has overcome the social and emotional hurdles of middle school and high school, I have come to find that a sense of belonging and complete and utter acceptance amongst social circles and friends is still something I struggle with. I think a lot of my ambivalence and nervousness arises, not from the lack of understanding who I am, but accepting that I have a better hold on the person that I am right now and trying to see if there is a place in this world for that person.

I still get the feeling of not fitting in with those that surround me or not feeling as though I am on the same wavelength as others that are my age. It genuinely terrifies me when I think too hard about it. But I have been learning that a major part of becoming the person I have been destined to be, is struggling through these ambivalences and existential thoughts. Much of the world that I perceive now is still skewed and not yet settled in. It is not always a simple task to try and steer it. But at the end of the day, hopes of feeling accepted in a crowd begins with accepting the uniqueness that sets me apart and the individuality that I have chosen to embody.