The first day of the Fall 2016 semester began with me driving to my first class of the semester and having to pull over into an empty lot because I was having trouble breathing. I struggled to dial 9-1-1 because my hand muscles had tensed up so much, and when the ambulance did arrive, I could barely speak to the paramedics because the muscles in my face had done the same.
Now is the day before my Spring semester begins and I look back at that event and see progress made but still much more to go. I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but instead of being upfront and honest with people, I almost feel too embarrassed to discuss what is happening. That is mostly due to the intense stigma that goes along with mental health issues--especially in men.
"Men are more likely to report fatigue, irritability, loss of interest in work or hobbies, rather than feelings of sadness or worthlessness". Embarrassment and feelings of shame are attributed to why men do not report their depression and I can relate to that completely: after the anxiety attack, I failed to tell my doctor my feelings because I was afraid of judgment. I didn't want to be diagnosed or labeled, because I feared that those labels would make me feel crazier than I already felt. I tried to come up with other explanations and deduce logically why my attack happened and played it off as just coming from multiple triggers: finishing up a four-year stint at my first job, starting a new semester, failing to get the attention of that one girl... the attack was just all of those instances adding up and nothing further. The doctor seemed to buy it.
Now as the new semester begins, a challenge has presented itself to not only myself but others as well: speak out. Let it be known when you're struggling. While it is known that women are more likely to attempt suicide, men more often succeed and their struggles often go unreported. It's time to end the stigma that men cannot talk about their feelings or reach out into the darkest place to bring them to the light.
Having faith in a greater purpose for life beyond our own realm has helped me come to terms with my struggles; viewing the anxieties and stresses of life as challenges to overcome and grow from has helped me see these things from a more positive light. It is through wrestling with our struggles that we grow, not by burying them and wearing a mask to pretend that everything is okay. It doesn't need to have an explanation or the reasoning deducted logically, like I tried to do in my own case. It doesn't need to make sense, most of these things never do -- it's an affliction like any other and just needs to be brought to the light so that it can be dealt with.
Lately, there's been this struggle of "manhood" for me: I look up articles to read on what I feel from anxiety or depression, only to turn up articles written by women and our culture seems to emasculate those struggles with men and part of my head listened to what the world was saying. Should I even feel these things? Why am I sad? I should just "man up".
It should not be embarrassing or emasculating for men to discuss these things and bring them forward. Let's end this idea that men need to be stone cold and emotionless and always in control. The truth is that we're rarely, if ever, truly in control and it is through discussion and working hard to fight which makes us stronger. Through conversation with a friend, we tackled the redefining what it takes to be a man that has inspired me most. The imagery of macho toughness goes hand-in-hand with the age-old "boys don't cry" argument; however, isn't it when we face our demons head-on and carry forward despite all odds that we really show toughness? It's not about the exterior physically--there's a different, real definition for what being a man is all about.
The Bible shows me a different side than what the world says is "manly": the Bible tells us that submission to God is what a true man does. 1 Corinthians 16 talks about men being courageous and strong, but also to "do everything in love"... from a biblical standpoint, a man opposes the worldly nature depicted of men. That drives me forward, knowing that God asks men to be something totally different from that generic imagery of men--an image I so often seem to fail to reflect. But why reflect what the world wants, when I can choose to reflect a God so mighty, powerful and loving? That is wholly more satisfying and perfect to me.
No matter what your struggle is, or your outlet--whether it's through music, or writing, or whether you truly do need medication to get you through--it's okay to talk about these struggles. Don't suffer alone. Seek help, and talk about what you're going through. Every one of us has worth as a human being; you matter even through the garbage you wade through. Seek to make yourself the best you can be; for me, that was by being the man God intended me to be. That is a long, winding journey but one that will ultimately be much bigger than anxiety or depression.
