Friendship isn't easy, and sometimes deciding to end a friendship seems harder than sticking out the friendship even though you're unhappy. Sometimes all your friendship needs is some TLC, but other times, it's better to end an emotionally draining friendship. We are taught at a young age to be nice to everyone, and when I was younger, I thought that being nice to everyone meant being friends with everyone, which is just not true. There are some people that you should definitely be nice to but not be friends with. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, and I've had to learn it a couple times. In middle school and high school I would stay in miserable friendships because I thought that I had to be friends with those people. I believed that there wasn't a way to not be friends with those people, especially if I shared friends with them. A contributing factor to my miserable friendships was my inability to be honest with my friends and tell them when I was upset with them and even just disagreeing with them was hard for me to do. I was insecure with myself, and it was taking a toll on my friendships. My personal insecurities made me afraid that I would lose my friends if I said the wrong thing, and I thought that being a good friend meant always putting my friends before myself. This faulty thinking led me to pushing down all of my feelings so that I wouldn't hurt my friends, which ultimately, just ended up hurting me.
In ninth grade, I transitioned from a small charter school into a much larger ordinary public school. I was terrified. Like many kids at that age, I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends. So when I met a girl who had seemingly all of the qualities I was looking for in a friend, I clung to her. We quickly became best friends, but whenever she said something that offended me, I'd stay quiet. I pushed all of my strong opinions down, and I didn't think that it would have any negative effects. But then I started to resent my friend for being more successful than me, for prioritizing our friendship differently than I did, and for things that she said two years before. I was miserable and I realized that I hated the person that was supposed to be my best friend. What did it say about me if I hated my best friend? That's when I started to hate myself. I was extremely unhappy, and I didn't know what to do.
Finally, after a fight that ended up being the last straw for me, I stopped talking to my best friend. In a very childish manner, I ignored her. I'm not proud of the way I handled ending our friendship, but it was the only way that I thought I could be happy again. I knew that if I tried to be honest with her at that point, it would just hurt her more because I knew that everything I had repressed from three years of friendship would come pouring out and it wouldn't be pretty. I knew it would be messy and hard and filled with tears, so I avoided it. Stupid, I know, but I was 16. I've never been very good at dealing with other people's tears; in fact, I can barely stand my own. I ended our friendship for myself. I did it because I resented her and myself. I didn't want to feel so horrible anymore. The negatives of our friendship, for me at least, outweighed the positives, and I knew that what had once been a great friendship had soured. Holding on to that friendship wouldn't have done anything but cause me more pain, and I wanted to be in a friendship in which I didn't resent my friend or feel like I was in a competition with them. I wanted a friendship in which I didn't feel like I had to hide my true feelings, and unfortunately, I didn't find that kind of comfort in our friendship.
Thankfully, since that friendship has ended, I've found friends that make me feel comfortable enough to express my feelings but still push me in the ways that friends should. I do regret the way that I ended my friendship with one of my high school best friends, but I don't regret ending the friendship. It was something that I needed to do. By trying to be a good friend to her, I felt horrible, and I didn't want to spend my life that way. I encourage others to be a good friend in all of their friendships, but know yourself well enough to know when you need to put yourself above your friendship. Sometimes that means taking a break to cool off and figure things out or it might mean ending the friendship altogether. Either way, don't be afraid to be honest and speak out. Don't prioritize another person's feelings above your own just because you're afraid that they won't want to be friends or it will upset them. You matter, too!Friends are amazing and I'm so grateful for all of my fantastic friends, but friendship should not make you feel bad about yourself. It should challenge you in a good way (i.e. make you braver and do the things that you want to do but are too scared to do). Don't stay in a friendship because you're afraid that you won't make any other friends or because you've been friends forever. Those are poor excuses that are keeping you from being happy. Take a step back and ask yourself: is this friendship worth saving? Then, follow through with whatever you decide. Whether it's talking it all out or going different ways, do it for you. Life is too short for crappy friendships, and you deserve better.
