Often, after a rough patch in a friendship or relationship, we love to call the other person "toxic" and blame 99% of the problems of the relationship on that person. But that's not fair. Because it well and truly takes two to tango.
More than a singular person, relationships are toxic. I'm not saying there aren't certain people we encounter that produce a toxic presence in our lives, I'm simply saying that more than blaming that person for being toxic, maybe we recognize that it was our relationship with that person that was the root of toxicity.
There's a line in Halsey's most recent song Without Me. It goes: "I got you off your knees, put you right back on your feet just so you can take advantage of me. This is exactly the type of toxicity we often find ourselves in."
We often love to fix the "unfixable". We love to remain in the delusion that we have the capability to solve another individual's deep-rooted problems, to break their bad habits and make them the version they can be. But 1.) this is highly unlikely, 2.) what is to say these individuals want their problems solved, 3.) who are we to think that we can change a person who hasn't been able to change themselves in the X amount of years they have been in this bad place.
See the thing is sometimes we are enabling others to hurt us. We give them power over us by answering their call at 2 a.m. or being their friend when they need us. Then when they stop responding to our texts when morning comes, we blame them for being horrible people and for misusing our kindness. But after the second, third, fourth time you do pick up their late night call, they know you'll answer. They know you'll be there, no matter how they act towards you eight hours later. And that's on us. We can blame them for taking advantage, but we have to blame ourselves for allowing the advantage to be taken.
We allow them to think that what they are doing is okay. That "people who care will always be there" no matter how they treat you. And to some degree, that is on us. They won't magically change and realize their actions are hurting you or even think "Oh wow, I've really been treating _____ like trash. Maybe I should not." To some degree, enabling is only augmenting the toxicity.
Stop letting people treat you like you aren't worth more than they treat you. You cannot change a person who is unwilling to change themselves. It is not your job nor responsibility. You also cannot force others to face their problems or unwanted realities in hope that they will change. When you do so, you may be making things worse; when you push them, they'll push back. Pushing two same sides of a magnet never works. No matter how hard you try.
And the argument that if you truly care or love someone you'll stick around? IS. GARBAGE. Friendships, relationships or whatever other '-ships' you have do. not. work. like. that. It is a two way street. If someone treats you like a second-thought repeatedly, they don't deserve you or your kindness. And I know that love and affection isn't a faucet you can turn off and on- but if you really care, leave. They aren't good for you, and you stick around only enables them to continue their toxic ways. Don't allow them the liberties of treating you as second best, because even if you eventually leave, you've no enabled them to treat the next person that cares for them with the same toxicity and negativity.
Be willing to take a step back. Be willing to leave. Be willing to accept that it might be your relationship that exacerbates things. Be willing to see while their actions may be harmful or hurtful, your actions may have enabled them. But don't solely blame yourself, and don't solely blame them.
Enabling is just as toxic as their 'toxic' actions and influence in your life. Stop the cycle. Realize and recognize.
Sometimes two people just aren't made to work. Things don't always work out and maybe it was just a bad time, a bad match or a bad situation. But never enable someone to feel like they can mistreat someone and 'if the person cares' they will stick around.
Neither of you are truly at fault; neither of you are necessarily bad people, but it is up to you to recognize when two sides of a magnet are repelling and make actions from that part on that are proactive.
