You're sitting on the bus. All you want to do is go home. You've had a rough day. You're frustrated by your teachers, the amount of homework you have to do, the last grade you got, and most of all, the ridiculous parking restrictions on campus that keep you from being able to take your own car to and from class. Just then, the bus stops. You look around and notice that almost every row of seats is filled by at least one person. And then the person the driver stopped for gets on, looking for a place to sit. There are plenty of available seats, all next to someone else...and then you start praying that they won't pick the seat next to you. You've already been through enough today, you want space, you want to be able to look at your phone without being snooped on, you want to...shoot, he picked the spot next to me. God, bus, please go faster.
We've all been in that situation. As the owner of a car without a decal and off-campus accommodations, I know the struggle of taking the bus to campus--in fact, I've become kind of an expert on it. Nobody wants to get the precious empty seat next to them taken away, but eventually it's inevitable. Luckily, over the years I've found that there is a science to ensure that the last seat the bus's newest passenger will want to take is yours.
*Sidebar: These don't apply if you're a guy who is sitting in a crowded bus where a girl is standing...in that case, you had better offer her your seat*
1. Don't Have Your Headphones In
At least, not when the bus stops. Think about it, nobody on the bus is there to make friends--nobody wants to have to make small talk to complete strangers (at least, I've never seen it happen). By not having your headphones in while a new passenger is looking for a spot, you make yourself look like a much less attractive seatmate than the person who is already lost in their music. The person looking for a seat knows that someone listening to their iPod is much less likely to strike up an awkward conversation than the person who looks like they have nothing better to do...and nine times out of ten, they'll go for the seat next to that guy rather than you.
2. Make Direct Eye Contact
The person looking for a seat on the bus feels just as awkward as the person silently praying that nobody will sit next to them. That being said, someone looking for a seat is going to want to do it discreetly and without a lot of fanfare. So if you're trying to stake your claim on a seat, the best thing you can do is make it a big deal. Stare at the person. They'll be creeped out by you, for one thing, and will have to confront the notion that they are knowingly taking your precious extra space.
3. Look Sick
The bus is kind of a cesspool of bacteria if you think about it. How many people touch everything in there on a day-to-day basis...now compare that number to the number of times it probably gets cleaned. With that in mind, it's imperative for people who at least somewhat value their health to minimize their contact with germs on the bus as much as possible. The best way to do this is to avoid sitting next to someone who looks sick. So sneeze, cough, wipe your nose with your bare hands, go all out—you'll look gross but it's worth it to have that seat next to you stay gloriously empty.
4. Talk to Yourself
People who talk to themselves in public are creepy, let's be honest. You don't want to sit next to that guy, and neither will someone who's looking for a spot. While I've never tried it before, I'm pretty sure I've been on the receiving end of that trick, and it was on a bus where only one seat was open. I chose to stand. A general rule of thumb, people try to avoid sitting close to crazy people.
5. Creepy Pick-Up Lines
This move is high-risk but high-reward, and works if you've failed at keeping that seat open and someone is next to you that you don't want to be...and that move is hitting on your seatmate. But what if I'm really attractive and they go for it? They won't, so long as your pick-up line is as out there as possible. "Want to smell something weird?" is always a good one, and "Would you be interested in coming to my cult meeting next week?" never fails. Granted, you'll be labeled and judged by everyone who witnesses this, but if you end up getting two seats to yourself while everyone else is crammed, who's the real loser in that situation?
