Too often I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I’m confiding in someone. Like I’m talking, and they’re looking at me, maybe they’re smiling and nodding, but really they’re just waiting for their turn to speak. And to me this is one of the worst feelings in the world.

It was one of the biggest culture-shock things for me about moving to New York, too. My closest friends and I in Tennessee would talk to each other and listen attentively, and in my first interactions with friends in New York, it just felt like everybody was yelling over each other, caring more about being heard than listening. Or I’d confide about my problems, and instead of just listening, people would try to solve them for me, even after I’d told them I really just needed a listener.

But now that I’m back in Tennessee, I realize it isn’t just a New York thing, and it’s not just a millennial thing, either. It’s a people thing.

My best friend recently moved to a new state during her last year of high school, and she was very well-liked down here, so of course it was a very hard goodbye, but she told me that I was one of only two of her friends that asked her how she was feeling about it rather than telling her they miss her because she no longer is there to do X with them or for them or to them. And that, to me, is absolutely ridiculous.

If you have a friend who trusts you enough to let you know how they feel beyond the surface-level small-talk bullshit that they feed everyone else just to get by as a socially acceptable human being, listen to them. Because if someone comes to you when they feel invisible and you don’t even care to pay attention when they tell you this, you’re making it harder for them and that is not what friendship is about. Ask yourself, am I really listening or am I just waiting for my turn to speak?

Drew Monson once said, “It took me way too long to realize that you shouldn't stay friends with people who never ask how you're doing.” Your friends and loved ones matter. Treat them accordingly.