what is the difference between sympathy and empathy
Start writing a post
Relationships

Empathy vs. Sympathy: A desire for closeness

Without stepping into our vulnerable selves, any attempt at empathy will come out as pure sympathy, and will most likely ruin your relationship.

35
Empathy vs. Sympathy: A desire for closeness

It's very easy to be sympathetic when someone is going through something that's hard to deal with. Take loss, for example. It's easy to tell someone that the person they lost could have been in more pain, or that at least they didn't die alone. Finding these scapegoats and thus making your "comforting" much less personal protects you from feeling vulnerable. The key to truly comforting someone and making it known that their feelings are valid is opening yourself up to our old friend Vulnerability. The key is empathy.

Casandra Brené Brown, Ph.D. and LMSW, is a research professor at the University of Houston and is most famous for her viral and beautifully articulated TED Talks. One of these videos is about how "empathy fuels connection [and] sympathy drives disconnection." If you want to truly be there for someone when they need you, you have to be willing to put yourself in the same emotional space as them or what you think is being nice will come across more as fake or shallow. Empathy is so difficult to master because, in order to be empathetic, you have to tap into the closest trauma you've endured to what the other person is going through. Going back to the example of someone experiencing loss, you have to put yourself emotionally back in the place of when you experienced loss or went through the "stages" of grief in order to be empathetic with them.

While sympathy is, "I'm feeling bad for you," empathy is, "I'm feeling with you."

This can be taxing, and too much of it can prove toxic and unhealthy. However, sometimes feeling these things again can remind us of the progress we've made. Brown gives four main steps to properly showing empathy, which include the following.

1. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes.

2. Listening without judgment, even though we seem to enjoy judging others.

3. Relating to what the person is feeling because you've felt it before.

4. Letting the person know that they are not alone.

My dad and I have talked about this many times before. There has often been a disconnect between us where the "fix-it" mentality overtakes him and he tries to protect me from being upset instead of listening and validating what I feel. He's the person who showed me this video, though. It takes true courage to change how you've reacted to pain for 50+ years, and that's the same courage he displays on a daily basis.

My dad uses the example of a well to make sense of sympathy versus empathy. Say someone you love is stuck in an empty, deep well. Sympathy is seeing that they're down there and either throwing them a rope or saying, "Well, at least the well isn't full of water." Phrases such as, "everything happens for a reason," and beginning with, "at least," are the true thieves of closeness. In this example of the well, empathy would be using the rope to climb down into the well with them to not leave them alone. Empathy is to be vulnerable together, while sympathy leaves one person protected and the other feeling more hurt than before with feelings like the sympathetic person can't really be trusted in the future.

"Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection," Brown said. Without this connection, this desire for closeness, there is no reason for someone to voluntarily dig into their pain. As Brown said, "Empathy is a choice." We have to choose to be vulnerable, one of the hardest choices there is.

When I write, I feel like I make the conscious choice to leave my heart in my words and bare my soul to anyone who comes across it. It is from this place of healing in which I can personally see the world more clearly... to see that with a little more empathy, we can make this world a much better place.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

70986
houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee
nappy.co

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

132551
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments