Oftentimes, I hear two different sides of the black community. I hear one side that encourages us to embrace who we are, to be proud of our black heritage, to show people just how strong we are, and to defy the stereotypes set by society about us. But then I hear another side: the side that comments on a darker individual's skin tone, that says our problems are because we're lazy or ratchet or ghetto, that judges others within the black community based on how one's hair looks or what someone wears, that puts us down when we're at our most confident. It's frustrating trying to appreciate my life and culture while trying to appeal to the standards set by both those within the black community and society in general.
All my life, I've struggled with coming to terms with my identity as a black woman. On the one hand, I feel proud to be black-I come from a lineage of people who have endured so much, yet fought through it all and showed others the true warriors that they are. But on the other hand, I sometimes feel ashamed, like I'm viewed as the lesser in others' eyes. I used to try listening to more "white" music, like rock or indie or pop so that I wouldn't seem "ratchet," changing the way I speak so that it sounded more "proper," made sure I had perms and straightened my hair so it didn't look "unprofessional," and the like. When you live in a society that automatically judges you based on how you look, it's hard to be who you want to be when people already have set preconceptions about you based on stereotypes and generalizations.
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However, since coming to college, I feel that I have been more empowered and willing to embrace my blackness. Being surrounded by so many other black and brown students who remind me that we are excellent and wonderful and beautiful fills me with sheer joy and appreciation. I am amazed by all the wonderful things that students are doing and the opportunities that lay before them. I remember that we are so much more than harmful stereotypes-we are capable of anything and everything. When I see others who look like me, who have similar skin tones, similar hair types, similar backgrounds, I no longer feel like the odd one out, but rather that I've entered a community of black youth who are embracing their black identities and aren't ashamed of them.
Whether I'm surrounded by people or even in my own room with my roommate, I feel as though I have to seem as "pleasant" as possible-I keep my music down if I'm listening to rap or hip-hop or change the songs to more pop and indie music. I feel awkward when I'm in my night bonnet or if I'm twisting my hair, or if I'm talking with someone I try not to stray into talking about racial things and the like. I walk on eggshells making sure I don't portray the angry, ratchet, ghetto black woman stereotype. But then when I'm around other black and brown students, I often enjoy jam sessions filled with Beyoncé, Rihanna, Kanye, J Cole, and other such artists, conversations about being a minority on campus, and I don't feel as bad about being in my bonnet.
It's often interesting how my attitude changes depending on the group of people I'm around. I am so thankful for the black community here because now I feel that I am truly coming to terms with my identity. I don't feel as bad about wearing my hair in a twist-out, listening to rap and hip hop, being loud around my friends, talking about black issues, or letting loose and being carefree outside of class. Being black and high-achieving are certainly not mutually exclusive.
