What does honesty mean?

/ˈänəstē/ noun: being free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.

Truthful.

Candid.

Forthright.

Ingenuous.

Although society tells us how important it is to be honest with others, are we reminding ourselves to be honest with ourselves? Do you know what you want? Do you know what you need? Or are you relying on society to tell you what you should desire?

Recently, I have found myself and others around me looking to society to determine these values, crossing our fingers so it will feel okay. I find myself begging for new clothes that I think will help me fit in better, I see my friends chasing after a guy they think they need to be complete, I see girls crying because they don't think they look pretty enough without makeup on, and I see guys treating others awfully because they want to fit into the schema of a "cool guy."

I cannot tell you how many times I have been beyond uncomfortable but wore clothes that made me feel better about myself because I looked like the people around me. I wish I could walk around in a huge sweatshirt and sweatpants every day with my hair up and no makeup on. That would mean being honest with myself and wearing what I wanted to wear. However, that's not what I find myself doing. In fact, I rarely let myself out of the house in a pullover and do not own a single hooded sweatshirt anymore. I find myself making sure my hair is perfectly dry and styled before I leave the house and I swipe my eyelashes with mascara at the very least before I expose myself to the outside world. This isn't being honest with myself; this is being deceitful to myself and to everyone around me.

My outward appearance is just a small example of this façade. Another way I have been dishonest with myself and others appeared in a recent relationship of mine. I kept hearing this year that it was better if you had someone by your side. I thought I needed someone to make me complete and worthy. So, I began reaching out to guys I knew and talking to them for a while. But I grew bored with them and knew that they weren't for me. But later in the fall semester, I found a guy who was similar to me, and I thought I liked him.

It turned out that we had completely different ideas in terms of what we wanted -- and that's when I discovered that I have been lying to myself for God knows how long. I remember talking to my roommate one night after I came back from hanging out with this boy and telling her that I wasn't sure if I actually liked him or not. I didn't think that he was the guy for me, but he seemed to be everything that I "needed." He's a very sweet Christian boy who has goals in life, knew how to have a good time, and his hobbies and habits are similar to mine. But what my roommate pointed out to me was something that I wasn't being honest with myself about. I was blinded by my thoughts of "needing" a boy. I never needed him.

I knew I wasn't as head over heels for him as I thought I needed to be or what others saw. I was untruthful with myself and probably let things go too far. One night, my roommate asked me why I told this boy that I would be with him.

"What about the way he treats you? Shouldn't that be a factor?"

The night before this conversation, I found myself locked in my room crying hysterically to one of my best friends asking what was wrong with me because he wouldn't talk to me.

Both she and my roommate summed it up for me.

I have not been honest with myself in the slightest. Who I was with him was not myself, and that's exactly why it didn't work out. Who I am trying to be currently is not actually who I am. I am a sweet girl who stands strong in what I believe in. I do not get torn down from the little things and the bumps in life, rather, I gain strength through these things. However, this life I was trying to live resembled a girl who went with the flow of things, didn't speak her mind and retreated from what she wanted to keep others happy and around. That's also probably the reason I don't wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants to class and outside my house.

While I'm not as hurt as I have been by some past relationships, it did sting a little when I also discovered that this boy probably wasn't being honest with himself either. It's just like one of my friends who thinks she's ugly without makeup on even though she is one of the prettiest people inside and out and like another friend who is chasing after a boy she knows isn't good for her but is what she thinks she needs.

As we enter the new year, it's important that we realize what we need and want rather than what we think we need and want. I know that I do not need a guy around and that if Mr. Right is out there, he will come in the right place at the right time. I don't need to force anything. I also know that it's okay to have lazy days, to not dress up, and to have those days where I eat whatever I want. I don't need to conform to society. I need to be me. That's the only thing that's going to get me through this life. I need to be honest with the world, with others, and with myself if I want to have a happy life that I am proud to live.