Satan suffered another agonizing blow from the steel-plated fist of embarrassment earlier today upon arriving at the suburban home of resident cool man William Bentley. Bentley, who was spending his day off donating to non-profit charities that give terminally ill children the chance to go Bigfoot hunting, in addition to being a generally cool man, was suddenly interrupted when a fountain of flames erupted beside his George Takei cutout. From within the wall of fire came a bellowing voice that beckoned to him by name. At first, Bentley assumed that Dave Grohl was simply stopping by to return the velvet spatula that he had borrowed from him and in the process vandalizing the Takei cutout out of unbridled jealousy, but that conjecture was quickly dismissed upon the sight of two meaty goat legs and an astonishingly crimson six-pack.
Satan, however briefly, explained that Bentley’s day of reckoning had come — that his soul was to be forever damned for taxidermizing the elderly and using them as pins in his underground human-sized bowling tournaments. Bentley, slightly miffed, yet still undeniably cool, explained away this accusation, citing the fact that his hands are overwhelmingly too small to be able to properly wield a human-sized bowling ball. A sheepish grin materialized on Satan’s gaunt face as he tried desperately to check his phone behind his back without drawing too much consciousness from Bentley. After opening Google Maps, Satan realized he had inputted directions to the wrong William Bentley. How embarrassing!
Satan swiveled his anvil of a head around to sneak a peek behind him. Bentley chuckled tenderly and offered, “It’s OK big guy! We all make mistakes!” Satan looked unpleased. He reminded Bentley that not even God could save him from an eternity of suffering after death before he aggressively burst into flames and disappeared. Bentley casually smiled to himself, shrugged, and saved 32 kittens from falling into an industrial grinder while simultaneously teaching blind ambidextrous women the ability to see using their fingertipsWhat a cool guy, that William Bentley!
