As creatures of doubt and insecurity, many of us tend to obsess over our own flaws and, as a result, the flaws of our partnerships. Are we doing enough to please our partner? Have they had better? Could they do better? We are bombarded by Alexis Ren and Jay Alvarezz’s too-good-to-be-true romance on every Instagram feed, by that one couple we all know that effortlessly finds unending happiness in each other…hell, even Bill and Hillary are still pulling through. Of course, every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses, but if you are anything like me, you may sometimes compare your partnership to another and dwell on flaws to improve it. Given the huge social media pull surrounding “couple goals,” I have reason to believe that I am far from alone in this. Yet I have come to realize the perfect is the enemy of the good. Reaching your relationship zen (whatever that may be) has much more to do with perspective, and with working with given characteristics rather than trying to morph your partnership into some ideal. What if, instead of nit-picking our romances, we discovered positive traits in times of struggle? The following aspects of a relationship are often framed as a negative, but I argue that this is not the case.
1. Time, distance, or experiences apart.
Asking for more space in a relationship can prove a point of contention and may lead to the question, "if you love me, why can you only handle a finite amount of me?” It can, however, in many cases, be a step in the right direction. When you are constantly focused on somebody else, how can you love and improve yourself, bringing your best self to the table? On a side note, who really wants to be the couple who is perpetually attached at the hip?
2. Comfortable silence.
I used to look at older couples eating silently and think “I hope that I never reach the point of having nothing to say to my partner.” In retrospect, I thought this at a time when I was actively dating and basing my experiences solely on conversation. While this is still an important step, I now envy those couples. What a wonderful, comfortable place to not have to fill space with noise: to know someone so well to not have to ask them anything, and to just be with them.
3. Chill time.
4. Differences.
Have you every been with someone who, on paper, was perfect for you? Are you still with them? If you answered “no,” that may be because differences in couples help build a relationship, not destroy it. Without exploring a healthy debate, a new perspective, or a new world, what would you gain from a relationship?
5. Less sex.
Every time I see the cover of Cosmo, I am reminded that healthy, happy couples cannot keep their hands off each other. Why are we rarely told that sex is just one of a thousand ways to connect with our partner? As a society, we have allowed our sex lives to dictate our self worth both independently and within a relationship. As a woman with varying levels of hormones, varying moods, and the occasional need for a massage and absolutely nothing else, I am not cool with that. I can say with certainty that there has been little to no correlation between the amount of sex that my partners and I have had, and my depth of connection to them.
6. Making sacrifices.
So you asked your partner to make a big sacrifice for the sake of your relationship: going with a sub-par job offer post-grad to stay in the same city as you, observing the same religion as you, or shutting somebody out of their life that is toxic to your relationship. Likely, you felt guilty about it because your mother told you that sacrifice breeds resentment, and you are afraid that somewhere down the line, your partner will realize that their sacrifice was a mistake. Stop feeling guilty. Understand the sacrifice and appreciate it, but recognize that sacrifice strengthens relationships and could only ruin an unhealthy one.
7. A lack of constant adoration.
In multiple relationships, my partner has "put me on a pedestal," as they say, and others have told me that is how it works: it means he cares. I have received doting letters, over-the-top flower arrangements, and expensive gifts. At one point, these gestures embarrassingly and largely validated me as a person. When I entered a relationship absent of these displays, needless to say, I was hurt and confused. I had yet to realize that in some relationships, there is a fine line between adoration and objectification. Shameless, almost mocking obsession with a partner is, on the surface, “sweet," but the equality that I now seek in my partnerships is much more validating. Partnerships are about mutual empowerment, not one-sided infatuation.
8. Arguments.
It is easy to blur the line between firm communication and a true argument. We are constantly told to keep the peace, to choose our battles, and to avoid confrontation. This advice has only torn my relationships apart. If an “argument” is respectful, productive, and brings you closer to your partner, it is not an argument: it is a conversation and we could all use more of them.
