I usually hate listicles with the fiery passion of a thousand active volcanoes, but this one came to me after several Deep Eddy Ruby Red and lime La Croixs and a few dozen cat naps, and who am I to ignore the muse when she comes calling?

I have an affinity for loving really terrible movies. I am not talking about Troll 2 or the Room, movies so bad they become huge cult classics that everyone loves—I mean really bad movies that are embarrassing to even bring up in social settings. Like, I would not display them on my DVD shelf, if I had a DVD shelf. You are totally allowed to make fun of me for loving these movies. I deserve it.

1. "Hitman" (2007)

This movie is probably the worst offender, which is why it is at the top of the list. There is nothing redeemable about Hitman, except that Timothy Olyphant is in it, and Timothy Olyphant is nice to look at. I don’t expect much from video-game inspired movies. Yet I own this. I spent money on it. More than $5, I bet.

2. "Gone in 60 Seconds" (2000)

In the year 2000 I was super obsessed with Angelina Jolie. I had posters of her everywhere in my college dorm room. Gone in 60 Seconds is probably the only Nic Cage movie I can stomach, and it’s only because Angelina Jolie is in it, along with that amazing song by the Cult, “Painted on My Heart”. I don’t even like fancy cars. I drive a Ford Focus.

3. "Basket Case 3: The Progeny" (1991)

When I was younger my older cousins would always watch horror movies and I was too much of a wimp to watch them too. Basket Case always intrigued me because I knew the monster in it looked like a Madball but I could never find the courage to watch it. Anyway the third installment of this Frank Henenlotter masterpiece has a whole bunch of “unique deformed individuals” and a loveable old lady named Granny Ruth. If you like people with moon shaped heads, this is the movie for you.

4. "Hellraiser IV: Bloodline" (1996)

Hellraiser might be my favorite horror franchise, even though I have never seen past the fourth movie and I hate the third. This selection comes with the caveat that it is not actually a shitty movie; people just tend to disregard it because it’s in space. Whatever, it has my favorite Pinhead quote (“I am so exquisitely empty”) and the only way it could be better is if they had kept the Victorian-era powdered wig Cenobites that I specifically remember from the trailer.

5. "Southland Tales" (2006)

This was Richard Kelly’s follow up to Donnie Darko. It is not good in the least bit. It was originally 400 hours long and was booed at Cannes. Everyone and their mother is in it and Moby did the soundtrack. Justin Timberlake has a music video smack dab in the middle. It is my favorite movie of all time. You know it’s bad when it’s somehow more impenetrable than Donnie Darko.

6. "Freeway" (1996)

I will admit I had a thing for Kiefer Sutherland way past the Lost Boys. Like for way too long. Longer than acceptable. If you want to see Reese Witherspoon disfigure him in a strange rendition of Little Red Riding Hood, I suggest you watch Freeway. When I was 16 I watched this movie every day.

7. Miracle Mile (1988)

I hate to admit that Miracle Mile is kind of a piece of garbage, but what it lacks in, uh, everything, it makes up for in heart! You can tell the creators of this movie really believed in it. Since I love California, Anthony Edwards and Mare Winningham running around Los Angeles while trying to avoid the apocalypse really speaks to me. Edwards went on to star on E.R., Winningham on American Horror Story, and the writer, Steve De Jarnatt, eventually wrote one of my favorite short stories, “Rubiaux Rising”.

8. Spring Breakers (2012)

I wasn’t sure about including Spring Breakers. I mean, when it comes to questionable Harmony Korine movies, Gummo or Trash Humpers could be considered more—uh—inaccessible. But I think Spring Breakers is sort of a bigger mess, because it is a much more cohesive story with real actors and actresses you would recognize. But yet, watching Vanessa Hudgens make James Franco fellate a gun while he goes on and on about his “dark tanning oils” makes one almost wistful for a child eating spaghetti while sitting in dirty bathwater.

So, there it is, folks— enough fodder for movie snobs and laymen alike to mock my very existence. If you love any of these terrible movies, too, let me know so we can be Facebook friends and drink Deep Eddy Ruby Red and lime La Croix together.