Did you know that over ten million men and twenty million women suffer with varied types of eating disorder? Well, statistics prove this to be an evident and reoccurring epidemic that has plagued countless individuals. An eating disorder isn’t just based on anorexia or bulimia. In fact, there are more types of eating disorders than we recognize. Victims fall ill to this disease every day, and as every day passes, we lose more lives to this habitual effect that many shun an ear to. I know this first hand, because I myself suffer from an eating disorder and have been for over 15 years now.

There’s that old stereotypical notion that if you starve yourself, you’ll lose weight. Sure, you’ll lose weight, but as your losing weight, you’re also gaining it too. Your body starts to feed off of itself and indirectly digest your muscle for nutrients. Do you notice yourself getting weaker? So, you decide this isn’t the healthiest move and decide to eat. A friend convinces you that if you eat properly and healthy, you’ll burn calories with adequate exercise. Yep. But, because you have been starving yourself for so long, everything you eat gets stored into the body as fat and muscle. So what’s the next source of quick thinking? You decide to purge everything you digest. Well, not only does this cause gastrointestinal problems and complications for you, but it also erodes that beautiful smile of yours too. Now you’re at a loss for words, aren’t you? I haven’t even begun to delve deep into the world of eating disorders and the damage they create. This, my friends, is just the beginning.

Did you ever notice the girl in school that sat with her friends at lunch, but didn’t eat? This girl appeared healthy, fit, and active. She is your all around American girl, of course. What you probably don’t see is her trying on her clothes every day, obsessing over her waist line, and feeling insecure about eating around others for fear of judgment. That girl my fellow friends and readers alike, that girl is me. It’s funny because growing up I was always self-conscious about eating in front of others, but never thought much of it. I chalked it up to social anxiety and moved on with my life. That was until a few years ago when a very close friend of mine sat me down and had a good talk with me.

If you have read my previous articles, then you know I went from being average, to overweight, to underweight, and now at a whopping obese identity. I have struggled with an unidentified eating disorder since I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school. Not only did my abuser take hand in this, but I also saw what I “thought” I looked like and saw what I had dreamed of looking like. Well, after eight months of hardcore military-like training and a decent amount of plastic surgery, I had achieved the physique I had always wanted. Over time I had developed an obsession with my body and the number on the scale. I had a specific number in mind and I was determined to reach it. But did I in fact ever get to that little number on the scale? Nope. My doctor told me that even though I was forty pounds from MY goal, that I was considered significantly underweight due to my bone structure and height. Well, as I have said before, my genes don’t fit your average size girl.

Battling an eating disorder is like battling an addiction. In fact, an eating disorder is an addiction because you’re addicted to the process and habit you have created for yourself. Is your mind blown yet? It will be soon enough. When I first started struggling with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and self-image, I had just become a teenager. I thought this was normal because I obviously didn’t know that I would end up causing damage to myself. The problem with addiction is going into recovery and sobriety. It’s like having cancer and you’re in remission, but the cancer fights back, again and again. That’s at least how struggling with an eating disorder is for me, personally. My biggest challenges were going from one extreme to another. I would starve myself and find my clothes fitting better, but then the hunger would take over and I would binge eat alone in silence. It’s one of the hardest fights you will ever have on your hands because you have to eat, but when you have an eating disorder of any kind, the fight is heightened and is that much harder to conquer.

Some think that I’m so overweight because I eat too much. Other’s think it’s because I don’t exercise and take care of myself. In reality, it’s mainly caused by my eating disorder and lack of knowing how to cope with it accordingly, along with significantly chronic health issues. It’s not that I don’t know how to eat healthy, because when I trained, that was one of the first things that I learned. What I’m still learning is how to take my emotions and cope with them in a healthy manner. I will tell you that through this battle, I have learned so much about myself. Although I still struggle with these issues, I don’t eat my emotions anymore. In fact, I have taught myself to shut down and not eat. This is NOT a healthy perspective, but it’s my honest one. See, when you suffer with an eating disorder, sometimes you will find yourself going through different phases, much like addiction.

Not only is having an eating disorder disheartening and debilitating, but after 15 years of battling this disease, I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t always get easier. Not only do I have occasional depression and anxiety to contend with, but I also have a long list of chronic illnesses that weigh in on my habits and addiction to becoming skinny, again. When I sit here and write my experience, I think of you as my readers and try to place myself in your shoes. Let me make this clear to you. I am NOT looking for pity and for individuals to feel sorry for me. I am trying to raise awareness about this epidemic because our generation and those behind us are starting to suffer with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and eating disorders at very young ages. Quite frankly, its mind blowing that children fear that they will get “fat” because not only is it a very real possibility, but many people perceive the “F-word” to be many different things.

I have found that throughout my experiences, food addiction and BDD is equally life threatening. Do you know how many people take desperate measures to reach their “skinny goals,” when they were actually the appropriate “healthy” to begin with? There is no numerical value that I can give you to wake you up. It has to come within. We are not defined by a number on our scales or the size of our jeans. No. We are defined by whom we are as individuals, how we carry ourselves and treat others. But, I understand that what it feels like when you think, “I’m a good person, but it’s not enough because I don’t meet societies’ standards.” People, I get it! This is where Body Dysmorphic Disorder comes into play.

Let me see if I know some of you well. I bet there are times that you stand in front of your mirror and just put yourself down in all different kinds of ways. The heavy set individual sees themselves as this big, ugly, ogre. Chances are, you bash yourself in such painful and torturous, mentally debilitating ways that mentally sound individuals without an eating disorder don’t understand. They tell you that you are handsome or beautiful and better yet, if you’re a woman, you get the “you have such a beautiful face.” My question is simple. Why I am I not beautiful all over? Why is it just my face? So I begin to look at myself and not only do I dissect my flaws, but I destroy them into painful open wounds. My friends, this is Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Essentially, when you suffer with this, you don’t see yourself in a healthy manner. The insecurities are endless and the hesitation to join society is even more potent. I get it and I understand what you are fighting every single day.

If you’re reading this and don’t have an issue, but know someone that does or suspects someone you know does, help them get the proper support they need to conquer this. It’s not always easy supporting someone with an addiction-like disease, but it is more than possible. Remember, food addicts, people that suffer with eating disorders, and their support system all need someone to lean on. Speaking from personal experience, it was always so beneficial to know that I had a team of strong supporters behind me to catch me if I tripped along the way. Eating disorders can be life-threatening and don’t ever think it’s only fatal to those that are too thin or severely underweight. People that are obese struggling with food addiction and eating disorders are in just as much danger when it comes to their health.

So the question is, what can we do to stop such negativity and build self-love? It’s not easy, but the answer is simple. Begin to tell yourself every day something that you love about YOU. Whether it’s leaving sticky notes everywhere throughout your house, looking in the mirror and saying them, or just writing them in a journal, look forward to being positive about yourself because you simply deserve it. Secondly, it is vital that you seek help for your eating disorder and negative self-image. Whether it’s going to a close friend, seeking a counselor, or talking to family and having an intervention, please don’t be afraid to get the appropriate help you need in order to battle this illness. Finally, if it’s not you that are suffering, but someone you know is, please stay strong for them. You never know who you are inspiring.