As an Indian Person Who Enjoys Eating Food With Her Hands™, I have put up with these BS Western food rules for way too long. The jig is up. We need to talk about how the rules for eating food with your hands versus with a fork are completely arbitrary and totally dumb.

Take celery: a long, thin vegetable with fibers that would make it obnoxious to cut into bite-size pieces. Someone out there was done with cutting up celery and made the executive decision to declare it a Food That Can Be Eaten With Hands. I applaud that person. Job well done. But why didn't they extend this to asparagus or green beans? Why must we struggle to use a fork with these vegetables??

"Austin, you piece of trash, you can't eat vegetables with your hands.

"No, it's okay Derrick, it's celery so it's allowed."

"Why, Austin? That makes no sense."

"Idk Derrick, the world makes no sense sometimes. Shut up and eat your celery."

At first, it seems like we use cutlery to protect our delicate hands from saucy or sticky foods. But then why do you eat wings with your hands? And what about ribs, or cotton candy, or ice cream sandwiches, or the dozens of messy foods that society tells us to eat with our hands? WAKE UP, AMERICA. (Meanwhile, Indian people accept that hands get dirty and that is life and dig into curries with our fingers and a piece of naan.)

THE WAY NATURE INTENDED!!!!!

I can eat chicken with my hands if it's fried, but if I pick up a piece of grilled chicken with my fingers, suddenly white people start staring at me uncomfortably. ("Was she not trained? Should we tell her that she's a barbarian?") Where is the logic, people??? And don't tell me that it's because fried chicken is a casual food. Pancakes are a casual food, but you eat those with a knife and fork! Even the adorable bite-sized ones! Meanwhile, oysters are super fancy, and you eat those with your hands. Anyone trying to find some sort of pattern within the random-ness of these rules is going to fail epic-ly.

Can you eat a hardboiled egg with your hands? Of course! But a fried egg? No, suddenly that's weird. Unless it's in a breakfast sandwich, and then--it's okay again! WHY!? I need answers, people, and in the meantime, you can find me eating all of my food with my hands. Screw Western society.