With this being my first article ever, I feel like I’m supposed to introduce myself. I’m from a place in the tundra that has an amusement park and a horse track. I’m a Gryffindor, but I secretly identify as a Ravenclaw and people think I’m a Slytherin. Somehow, I attract Hufflepuffs to be my friends. I’m a human being. I’m a college student. I’m tall. I’m female. I like green.
Those are the things I know for sure: tall, female and green. I like green, my closet says so. I identify in every way as female. As for identifying as tall: I’m taller than most. Then I’m a college student. I currently identify as that, because that’ll change. I hope it would change now, but it currently feels like I am riding a turtle through life with a fake smile.
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I used to have such plans for my life. I had plans when it came to college. “I’m going to be a Writing major and German minor.” “I’m going to be a famous author!” “I’m going to be fluent in German.”
As soon as I entered college, just over a year ago, I was filled with hopes and dreams. I loved to write so that’s what I was going to do. I was a great writer in high school. I came to college, and on all my essays and papers, I received less than passing. Since they were portfolio classes, I gained better scores later. However, I lost the love of writing quickly with obvious failure. I didn’t write my own fantasy and sci-fi.
This hasn’t changed in almost a year. I don’t this or that anymore. I don’t write fiction. I barely write.
Question: You write for Odyssey?
Yes, I do, because I love to write, but I don’t want to do it as my major. I love German, but I don’t want to do it as my minor.
What do you want to study?
Nothing here. There isn’t one thing at this college that I want to study. There aren’t any colleges or universities where I want to study. I love to learn, but I want to go out and do.
Why are you in college?
Because I know that I need at least a four-year degree to get a decent paying job. I know that if I want to continue to buy books and shoes and to travel, college is necessary. I know that I’ll always be looked down on. “Oh, you don’t have a college degree? You must be stupid.” I don’t have talents in acting or singing to make it big; I could be a comedian even if I truly sing.
Also, like so many other people, college is expected. Everything else can wait. I can’t just show up at college later. I have to do college now, like my parents did, like my brother did. If I don’t do college now, I’ll be stuck behind in life. And that’s the last thing I want to be: stuck.
How do you feel stuck?
As much as I love schedules, planners, and to color code everything, I am stuck. This is a pattern I used to love but I now hate. Schedules are good for me, but now I have too much to do and I feel like I’m drowning. And it’s not in happiness.
Say if I was drowning in happiness, it would be like I was breathing. I would be a fish in the sea. I would be able to swim wherever I went. I would be able to travel wherever I wanted. I would be able to see something, to touch something, to live in something.
If you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do?
For some people, that’s tricky. Not for me, because I have been planning this for a long time. I have seen what is out there, and I want to do something about it. I want to change the world.
You can’t change the world; you’re one person.
I’m part of a generation that believes that we can change the world. We have seen what we don’t want. We have made plans in our heads. We have been screwed over too many times, and I’m not even in a bad boat. If I finish college, no one is going to look down on me. I’m a white female who comes from an upper-class family. I don’t have these problems. I know that my parents would push me to do whatever my heart desired after college.
Can’t you wait until after college?
No, because then I would have to wait until I had enough money. And then I would have to wait to find Prince Charming. And then I would have to wait after kids. And I would be sixty years old and hadn’t truly accomplished anything in my life. Anything that I had “accomplished” in my life wouldn’t feel like an accomplishment.
But what would you do now if you could do anything?
I would be in Jordan. I would be working with refugees. I would be living in a camp with them. I would be teaching life skills and English to them. I would be helping them to have better lives. I would be giving them a future that many of them didn’t think they would ever have. I would be doing something with my life. I would be living my literal dream to be a humanitarian aid worker.
I wouldn’t be looking out my window right now, thinking “Wow it was chilly today. Three more months until winter break.” I wouldn’t be trudging to my classes. I wouldn’t be complaining how much I hate my life, I hate my job, and I hate everyone. In truth I don’t hate everything, but it feels that way because I’m stuck.
And I can’t move. I have a path to follow. I will follow that path and I might hate every moment of it. But I know what I want to accomplish. It beats within me. My heart belongs to it. My mind focuses on it. My soul is it. I am it.
It is my passion; it is my reason to live. It makes me a human being.
I can’t turn my back on these other human beings. I can’t just decide that they are less than me. I can’t pretend like they don’t exist. They are my passion; it is my passion to help people.
Why don’t you help people in the U.S.?
That’s not my passion. “Can I have chocolate chip ice cream?” “No, we only have Oreo ice cream.” There are people in the U.S. that need help; there are always going to be people in the world that need help.
But my passion drives me. My passion is easier than breathing. My passion makes my life lighter. I see it when I go to sleep every night. I dream of it every night. I wake up in the every morning thinking about it.
I think you might be obsessed.
You haven’t found your passion yet.
Your passion may come to you when you’re old or in a few years or tomorrow. Your passion is what allows you to live. Your passion motivates you. You see something wrong, and you want to fix it. Your heart beats for this passion. Your mind focuses on this one thing. And it may be something simple like reading or writing, but it might be something so complex that you can’t do it by yourself. But all of our passions are meant to strengthen us as human beings. Your passion helps our cause, whatever it is, even if it’s just survival. Your passion is the only thing you’ll be able to dream. And it’s out there.
What are you going to do about it now?
That’s a good question because I don’t know. But I can’t escape college, so I’ve got three more years to figure it out.
