Growing up in a small town can be rather smothering, in terms of growth, change, and awareness. As I've left and watched the environment I grew up in from the outside, I've learned to be more forgiving of my parents, seen my childhood friends in a different light, and done some real reflecting on myself and who I am outside of my childhood. Maybe you have too -
1. Parents aren't just parents
Growing up I held my parents to a high standard, they are parents after all. I thought they were law and order, right and wrong, and just good. This changed as I became a brooding teen; it seemed they were falling short, failing to understand me, not handling our world well, etc. But through much childhood trauma, strife, and hardship, I realize now they were going through it too. They were going through it as parents, as a son, as a daughter, as a couple, as individual people. They were and are still simply doing their best, just as I am now. I faulted them for quite some time on how they handled things but how can I begin to judge?
2. Childhood friends can be just that
I have many friends I've been fortunate to know and love for 10, 15 or even 20 years. I hold the time I spent with them in my small town close to my heart but living away from them for over 4 years has made me realize how they, our memories, and many other aspects of our relationship stayed when I left. I love them, but they make me realize how much I have changed. They have changed in some ways, some have even left as well but the way we knew each other stays in that town.
3. My home town is toxic for ME
Growing up in a town where everyone knows everyone is sweet in a way and sour in many others. Gossip and stagnation run rampant. Constant comparison and who's keeping up with the Jetson's. I have no ill feelings for those who live in my small home town, it is home for many friends and family. But I do not fit in anymore, if I ever did. I do not like who I am when I go home, I do not like who I was in high school, etc. and that took me a very long time to admit. Every time I go home I'm thrilled to see my parents but theres a pit in my stomach and a bitter taste in my mouth.
4. I don't know how to define a good or bad person
Goodness is in most people but just because you see someone do something good, doesn't mean they didn't cut a stranger off in traffic this morning and get labeled a bad person in someone else's world. Just because someone donates to charity and receives public praise doesn't mean they didn't look the other way when their family needed them. I think this goes back to number 1 in that people are people, not just blips on your radar. They are not limited to your, however brief, perception of them or anyone's for that matter. This is still a concept I'm workshopping but I think there is more to be said on this.
5. I love to travel
This may seem trivial but traveling and planning trips and experiencing whatever I can has brought me excitement that I haven't felt since I was a small child. I really have started to embrace that I want to try new things and travel to new places and make the most out of my time. This is wild for someone who grew up in a small area, where my parents grew up, and where their parents grew up, and so on. It seems foreign and black sheepish to some of my family and I don't care.
6. Im an escapist
I will do anything to get away from negative feelings and thoughts. I deflect and bury trauma, depression, and anxiety, amongst many other things. I haven't processed most of my childhood yet and I'm not sure when I will. But I can name this defense mechanism and see it now and I think that's a step in the right direction. I've become much more self-aware and although its horrifying, its time to hold myself accountable.
7. Growing up and growing old and growing at all is a privilege
Losing a sibling at a young age quickly put into perspective how much of a gift it is to make it to and past my early 20s. Seeing both my grandparents pass in their late 70s and early 80s makes you appreciate what longevity can give you. But growing internally is indescribable. I have changed more in the last 4 years than I ever imagined I could. I have realized how who I used to be was not who I am now and that I will continue to change in interests, personality, etc. for the rest of my life. I see some people around me be exactly who they were the entire time I've known them. I have a deep appreciation I am not among them in this aspect.
