If you're like me, you've been watching this presidential election and thinking, "What the hell?" Our choices for president are less than desirable, and many voters feel as if none of the candidates would do the best job. With this in mind, I propose a new candidate for 2016. Someone who's a proven leader. Someone who tells it like it is. I'm talking about, of course, Dwight K. Shrute. Based on hard-cutting political science research, a team of experts have found that Dwight has a favorable position on almost every issue facing today's candidates. Here are ten quotes from the man himself that prove why Dwight would beat Clinton, Trump, Cruz, or Sanders any day:
1. Gridlock in Congress will be a thing of the past with Dwight's speed at the helm.
“I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther.”
2. He cares about national security.
“Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”
3. He respects veterans.
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
4. He's ethical to the core.
“As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”
5. He cares about gun rights.
“People say, ‘Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”
6. He'll revolutionize the health care system.
“In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!”
7. He's willing to stand up for sexual assault victims.
8. He's passionate about women's issues.
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”
9. He has a plan to combat overpopulation.
"They're too many people in this world. We need a new plague."
10. He knows a thing or two about business.
"My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago."
