This is the inaugural Drunk Movie Review where I take the precious time out of my week to sit back, slug a few brews, and watch an American classic. Today’s Drunk Review will be John Carpenter’s seminal, action-packed, everything-80’s Big Trouble in Little China starring Kurt Russell. This movie is a true cult-classic and held in high regard amongst stoners and movie aficionados alike. That being said, the plot is an asocial 6^th grade boy who’s way into Asian culture’s wet dream. Jack Burton (Russell) is an All-American trucker who finds himself encapsulated in an underground battle between his best friend, Wang Chi (Dennis Dun) along with his fiancé, Miao (Suzee Pai) and the Chinese crime lord and ancient spirit Lo Pan (James Hong) alongside his gang of Chinese gods: Thunder, Lighting, and Rain. Lo Pan kidnaps Miao because she has green eyes and is meant to be married to and sacrificed by Lo Pan in order to give him flesh and free him from the ancient curse that holds his body to the earth in the form of a spirit (even though when he gains the flesh and blood, all that happens is he changes from being covered in white talcum powder to looking like an actual human being). Meanwhile, Lo Pan also kidnaps another girl with green eyes named Gracie (Kim Catrall), who is a reporter that got dragged into this unbelievable plot because, well…she was the only reporter who would be willing to cover this story (yes, they called the press before they called the police. It’s an 80’s movie, okay?). So, Jack Burton and Wang Chi set out on a mission alongside the old sage Egg Shen (Victor Wong) to defeat Lo Pan and rescue their betrothed. Classic 80’s action and terrible cinematography ensues, and ultimately the good guys win.

First off: holy shit is this movie entertaining. Classic one-liners abound (‘…if you don’t hear back from us, call the President.’), hilarious death scenes (how funny is it to see a man inflate like a balloon and blow up into green chunks?), and the gaudiest set pieces, dummies, and special effects you have ever seen (fun drinking game: drink every time you see an obvious dummy used in a fight scene). Yet despite all of the 80’s tropes and cheese, this stands out due to Kurt Russell’s bravado and John Carpenter’s signature touch in the director’s chair. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s fucking magical. I want to watch this movie completely sober and pick it apart after I type this farce of a review. But in the meantime, let’s go into what really made this movie fun: Kurt Russell.

At the start of the movie, Russell is running into a lot of unfamiliar faces, often asking, “Who’s this? Who the hell are you?” He seems legitimately confused on the set. Fifteen minutes in, one of my buddies watching with me, Tyler, made the hilarious proposal that Kurt Russell wandered onto this set without a script and just agreed to do the movie without knowing a thing about it. All he was asked to do was act like himself and react to what’s going on around him in exchange for a million dollars (the movie only grossed 11.1 million at the box office, so Russell probably raked in less than that). Just a playful observation at first, but as the film went on, Russell began asking more and more questions regarding the plot, such as, “so what do we do now?,” “How do we stop Lo Pan?,” “where the hell are we going?.” The questions became so frequent and glaring, that I started to view the movies through not only beer goggles, but also from Tyler’s wild theory that Kurt Russell was never given a script and legitimately has no clue what the French toast is going on in the movie. This made for a much more entertaining movie-going experience, adding in the prospect that the star of the film doesn’t know a single line or plot point in the film.

In the end, John Carpenter creates another cult-classic that will be timeless, even though it can easily be thrown into an 80’s time capsule. Watch the film after about three drinks, and just imagine being poor Kurt Russell who thought he was starring in a rom-com and ended up being in a wacky, off-the-cuff, martial arts adventure/fantasy flick. I’m giving Big Trouble in Little China four out of five Caps.

Thanks y’all for reading, tune in next month for another Drunk Movie Review!