Fair warning: This post is going to be vulnerable.
I don't like talking about myself because I usually can't form the courage or the words to simulate what I'm feeling in the moment. It takes me a good, long while to even process what my heart and mind have been weighted down by, because time is usually the key ingredient. Unfortunately, time is the most valuable asset to have in the waves that April showers have brought, and I seem to have none.
April has brought me nothing but deadlines and events, so much so that I cannot fully put my heart into the things that I love. The lack of energy and time that I have makes me feel that I'm failing in so many places in my life. It has caused me to believe that I am scraping the bottom of the barrel in order to get by.
This is not a place that I like to be. I don't like to talk about it because it's embarrassing to admit. My life is not as it seems. I am not put together, because I am so incredibly messy. I struggle with balancing relationships, work, school, and extracurricular activities. I am in constant worry of my future. I don't have a normal sleep schedule. I can't seem to keep a routine to save my life and I don't feel like I've stopped and rested in months.
On paper, all of the things I'm doing look great, but in person, it's a totally different story. I can't seem to keep anything straight anymore. My planner gets filled up, and things don't accurately get checked off.
I don't want my life to be a checklist. I want it to be a place where me and the people in my life thrive together, instead of this whirlwind of emotions and events that I cannot hold on to. I have been to that place, where I am calm and collected and everything is fine. It's magnificent. Incredible, really. But, it took a lot of work to get there. Junior year has led me to this shift in which I must focus on the next stage of change (senior year, graduation, and grad school).
I am in this moment of life where everything must be taken in small steps, but I am failing to do that because I always look for the big picture. When I glance at the little steps, I stress out and worry and wear myself down. I imagine everything going wrong, and feel as though the things I am doing are not enough.
My future is what scares me the most. I am an upperclassman who knows what I want in the future but cannot seem to place where I should start. I miss my family, and I wish they were closer in times like these.Remembering my roots is the best medicine for concentrating on where I'm going.
Everything seems so far away, and that has been getting me down. With time, I know that everything will work out like it always does. I am hopeful, but in this instance, I am tired. I am pushing through and keeping my eyes on the important things.
If you're reading this, please realize that people struggle with life a lot more than you could ever really know. Even with the closest people in our lives, it is hard to be vulnerable. I encourage you to share your struggles with people. But, if you're like me and need time to just be, please find solace in the fact that others struggle with life just as much as you do.
