It’s here everyone.
March 13.
No, not Monday (although, I won’t fight you on this, because it is a Monday…).
No, not the first official day of spring break (but if it is, consider yourself lucky).
No, not the day you woke up late because you forgot to set your clocks ahead (I swear daylight savings is out to get us all).
It’s The Bachelor finale.
Yes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
And I can’t decide if I’m really excited or really terrified.
Don’t get me wrong, I love The Bachelor. I’m all about dating the same man as 26 other women, broadcasting my relationship on national television, and not actually being allowed to eat while I’m on a date.
(Who isn’t?)
But (and maybe it’s just me) this season seemed extraordinarily less tolerable than any season that’s aired in the past.
I can’t decide if it was because of Nick’s frat-boy choice in attire, because of Taylor’s emotional intelligence, or because of Corinne’s low-blows to my good man Abe Lincoln.
Either way, I might need a little help getting through this finale. And if you’re anything like me, you might need some too.
1. Take a shot every time you see Nick in a turtleneck and/or a scarf.
2. Every time Nick cries, finish your drink (and if he’s still crying by the time you’re done, go make a new one).
3. Take a shot every time you hear Vanessa say the words “core values”.
4. Every time you hear the words “Wisconsin” or “Milwaukee”, go make a new drink.
5. Take a shot any time you hear some variation of “I told Nick I was in love with him”.
6. Whenever you see snow, go make a new drink. Then finish it.
7. Take a shot every time you hear Raven say the word “daddy”.
8. Every time you hear the names “Andi” or “Kaitlyn”, take a shot (or two if you hear both in the same sentence).
9. Finish your drink every time you see Nick in a commercial for Quantico or Beauty and the Beast.
10. Take a shot any time Vanessa mentions Canada.
11. When Vanessa and/or Raven get eliminated, call Chris Harrison and tell him you want to offer them a shot. If you don’t get through, take a shot anyway.
12. Just for good measure, down a bottle of champagne before the episode is over, purely in honor of Corinne.
Now remember, this episode is going to be 3 hours long, people. Drink (and watch) responsibly.
Or, if you’re not feeling the whole “responsible” thing and/or you’re feeling particularly called to pay homage to Nick, then just drink “Wisconsinbly” I guess.
The winner is probably already floating around on the internet anyway. If the finale ends up being a little fuzzy tomorrow morning, just Google it.
