Well by clicking on this, you are probably curious on what do I mean by drinking away your family. I'll explain for you. Since I could remember living my father, he was a giant alcoholic. Some say," Oh there is nothing wrong with having a drink or two." But yes it there is when that drink turns into eight, nine or ten.
Ever since I was a child, I always remembered my dad drinking. No matter the time, the occasion, the day, that's what he was doing. He tried to hide it from my brother and I but it was obvious. He used to drive to a gas station with my brother and me in the car and would disappear for 5 minutes and come back with about three or four Mickey's Malt Liquor. I didn't understand how harmful alcohol was until his behavior would change.
It made me think everything was my fault. I felt like I did so much wrong. I was the problem. I'd say sorry for absolutely everything. I didn't know I wasn't the problem, he was.
When he would be drunk, his temper would become very short. He disciplined my brother and me in a very aggressive way. Yes, he used a belt but he would continuously do it even after the marks are already there. He used to make us do what he would call them 'Hello Dolly's', which is a wall sit with your arm straight out and legs at a 90-degree angle. Not for like 5 minutes til we got the point, it would be 20 to 30 minutes. We'd be crying and telling him please stop and that wouldn't help. My legs would be shaking. It's impacted me now because I can't do wall sits without getting dizzy even if it's for a minute.
You ever heard the term," Drink your money away." Well, that's exactly what he did. He couldn't keep a job at all. No matter what it was because he'd get paid and buy alcohol and not pay bills. My mother was basically a single parent with three kids.
I have one memory of when my dad was drunk in front of me that I'll never forget. We were living in Illinois at the time because of my mom's job. I went upstairs to look for him and he looked dead on the bed. I poked him like," Dad?" "Hello?" "Hey, Dad." He shook and woke up and pushed me back. You could smell the alcohol on him. He said he had to go to the bathroom so he got up and started walking towards the closet. I was like Dad no, that's not the bathroom. My parent's room had a side table where the TV was on and he pushed the TV off and sat down. At this point, I was in tears because I was lost for words. I went to my room thinking, "Why me?" "Why can't I have a normal dad that doesn't do this?" "What did I do so wrong to deserve this." "What's wrong with me?" "I'll never forget this."
When he would try to quit drinking and go 'cold turkey', his abuse seem to get worse. He was arrested when I was in sixth grade for child abuse and got 30 days probation and that's all. I didn't know he could get in trouble for stuff like that. I was only a kid. To me, it was normal, but to the world, it wasn't.
My parent's marriage failed due to the result of his alcohol addiction. My mom waited til we got other to decide if we wanted my dad in our live anymore. When I was 16, I finally had enough. He got mad about something in the pantry and I just went off. I freaked out and told him how I felt. Years of abuse, pain, sadness, tears, anger, and all came out. After me screaming, I heard him start to tear up. He never knew I felt like this, I walked out the house and my mom said," Wow, Shae you finally did it." And at that moment, I grew up.
It has had an impact on my adult life being 20-years-old by I apologize for everything. When someone is mad, I think it's my fault. I get scared when people yell at me. I think I'll end up like that. I don't know what love feels like. I don't know how to take compliments because most dad's tell their daughters they are queens and beautiful but never happened. I don't want anyone to think this is my way for people to feel bad for me.
I won't let this define me as a person, only make stronger. I am Audriana Moye and I survived an alcoholic and abusive parent.
XOXO,
Audsome_
