She cut herself because she liked it. It made the sadness go away for just long enough so she could get through the task, that one piece of homework, a shower, or even to get out of bed. She was at the bottom. There was no God there. God was just going to have to watch her slice her arms up, because he was not going to help her get through this. If He was, he would have done something to stop this long ago.
Her friend was worried about her. She brought her on her date with her boyfriend. She didn’t want her to be alone. They watched a movie on the laptop- one of those chick flicks. They snuggled. He tried to eat her face. It was disgusting. The friend laughed as he tickled her. She rolled her eyes and sat down in her own chair, away from them, and their love.
Love, that was what she wanted. She wanted to feel love from someone. She wanted that deep connection with a boy too, someone to hold her, and tell her to stop hurting herself.
“I want intimacy.” She said to herself. No one was listening.
She curled up in a ball and tried to be as alone as she could. She closed her eyes and pretended the room was silent. In the stillness, she felt something. A stir in her heart. She let something come in.
“Have intimacy with me.” He said.
All of a sudden, there was an image in her head.
She was standing in a field, her hair flowing behind her in waves like the ocean. She was dressed in white, a light whits dress fluttered in the wind. But it was more then just the physical dress. She was spiritually dressed so that she was a pure being with no sin seen on her. She looked at her wrists where all those cuts were. Her wrist was covered in blood, like she had just done it. She blinked, terrified at the scene, and suddenly it was gone. There were no more cuts. There was no more sin.
She looked up, gripping her arms.
Christ was on the cross, beaten until you couldn’t even tell he was human anymore. There was blood all over his body, like someone has been painting him with a large paintbrush. He was having trouble breathing. You could tell that it was a battle to simply keep his eyes open. The girl fell on her knees and cried out, “God, it’s my fault! My sin did this to you!”
The with all the strength he had, he turned his head towards her and smiled.
“That’s what love is.”
A silver tear fell down her face.
“Even though I’m a sinner?”
Then he took some of the blood on his chest and wiped it on her wrists where all the cuts were. He pleaded with her, “This is the only blood I ever want to see on your wrist.”
“Okay, God.” she gulped her tears.
She opened her eyes again. She was back in that room with her friend and her boyfriend. They were still snuggling. She was breathing heavily.
“What happened?” her friend lifted her head towards the girl.
“Um...” she took a deep breath. “There’s a love from heaven, that I don’t know about.”
“What does that mean?”
The girl thought. My own blood can’t save me. No matter how much I cut, my blood will not make this better. Only God’s blood can do that.
She was fine for the next couple days. She has felt God’s presence in such a personal way, she now knew love that was deeper than anything she had ever known. She was a girl dressed in white; every wrong was made right.
When she did it again, she realized that she had broke her promise to God.
“God!” she cried “I did it again! There is a scar on my body! I can see it with my own eyes!”
“But I can’t.” He said.
She realized, in heaven, she would have no scars. She would be complete in Christ. She would no longer have the depression that made school so hard. But right now on earth, those scars made her strong. She relied on God because she struggled. God might never take it away, but He was always going to be there.
Every time she looked at her wrist, she thought of Jesus, and what he had done for her- and she loved Him all the more deeply.
(Inspired by real events)
If you struggle like the girl in the story, know that you are made new in Christ. You have nothing against you. You are perect and wonderfully made. You are white. Red blood will not save you- not your own, at least. But if you accept the blood if Christ, you will find where the healing starts. I will be praying for you, who reads this.
