Bram Stoker is the father of the master of monsters: the blood-sucking, lady-killing, animorphing Dracula. Depicted as a demon of the night with few weaknesses, Dracula is feared by many and is patient zero of vampire characterization. Sure, there were other vampires before him, but this depiction of the mythological monster is what lit the fire under the horror subgenre. Some of his spawns are reputable. Count Orlok from "Nosferatu"and Lestat from "Interview with a Vampire" are amongst my favorites and two of the more critically acclaimed. Other entries on the vampiric timeline are not as well received. I’m looking at you, Edward Cullen.

But what if the vampire has created its own cloud of mysticism to hide an embarrassing secret? Or what if the once great and powerful has devolved into a caricature of its former glory? Whatever the case, humor me while I delve into a different theory regarding the etiology of the disease known as vampirism.

Imagine vampirism as a modern affliction captured by the International Statistical Classification of Diseases (ICD). Although the stories differ, most of the lore agree that vampires are afflicted with an insatiable desire to consume human blood. Usually, they cannot curb the urge to drink (unless a poorly developed love story is involved) without risking death by starvation. They are depicted as being incredibly strong (Van Helsing cited Dracula as having the strength of “20 strong men”), and most characters have the ability to add others to the Army of Undead by having victims consume vampiric blood or by biting the victim without killing him/her. In most stories, vampires are gorgeous, mesmerizing entities whose deadly intent is enshrouded by overt sex appeal.

Secondary symptoms vary by story-teller. Many modern tales claim that vampires are deathly allergic to sunlight. Surprisingly, Count Dracula was not depicted in this way. He preferred the shadows, as sunlight slowed him down, but UV was not enough to kill the ancient beast. In that way, vampires in the PC game, "The Sims 3,"are more like Dracula than the terrifying abominations in "30 Days of Night."Some vampires fear garlic and wooden stakes. Holy water, crosses, and other religious paraphernalia are common weapons against the Undead in many story lines. Some vampires glitter, but we try to forget these things.

As aforementioned, if vampires are real and currently walking amongst us, I believe that either they have perpetuated this frightful lore in an attempt to puff their chests and instill fear in the hearts of mankind, perhaps to guard a far less frightening secret, or they have simply devolved into lesser beings than their forefathers. The modern-day American Vampire would look a little something like this:

1. Vampirism is a fancy term for sex addiction

There is a large and expensive book that you will find in the home of every behavioral scientist. That book is known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The book is currently in its fifth edition and was most recently published in 2013. Inside the book, you will find numerous mental disorders categorized by type – everything from schizophrenia to pedophilia and all the cracks in between. However, you will not find any disorder called “Sex Addiction”. Sex addiction has been a controversial topic for a few years now. Usually, it’s used as an excuse for chronic infidelity or excessive masturbation. At the time of the last DSM publication, there simply wasn’t enough empirical evidence that sex addiction exists as a mental disorder and not solely as a behavioral tic. That certainly does not mean people can’t become addicted to sex, it just calls into question the mechanisms behind obtaining multiple partners.

That being said, what if a true form of sex addiction actually existed and we’ve known it all along as vampirism? That would suggest that not only could sex addiction be a mental disorder, but quite possibly, a biological disease, and if vampires have the ability to “turn” others, then that would imply that sex addiction is contractible.

The idea of “sex addiction” has spread like wildfire since the incident of Elin Nordegren chasing her then-husband Tiger Woods out of their house with a nine iron. At the time, headlines read that Tiger Woods was a “serial cheater,” so how did he get a nation to start empathizing with him as the victim of sex addiction over his wife? Or, how did some ugly, untalented guy like Charlie Sheen acquire such a cult following for being such a sleaze bag? He too, cited sex addiction (amongst other substance addictions) as a contributing factor in his “downward spiral,” although he’s arguably more famous now than ever.

It’s that vampiric charm, ya’ll. Maybe vampires no longer have the ability to read minds like the almighty Count D. could, but perhaps they have just enough juice left to convince a nation of gullible, corn-syrup swallowing swine that sex addiction is a real thing, and it should be pitied by way of you taking your clothes off and doing the deed with them.

2. The vampire kryptonite is actually erectile dysfunction

So if vampirism is sex addiction, then erectile dysfunction is the obvious wooden stake. Good news, guys. Erectile dysfunction is a disorder listed in both the DSM and the ICD. Basically, it is a disorder recognized in two forms: medical and psychological. For the sake of this argument, I’m going to suggest that vampires suffer from the biological inability to gain and maintain an erect penis. Maybe it has something to do with whatever blood makes them vampire and us human. Maybe, that’s why they need to feed on us.

Vampirism can be seen as a disease with positive and negative symptoms. The pros are: you’re a bit stronger, you’re persuasive and charismatic, and you’re naturally a bit more talented than your human counterparts. The cons are: you can’t stop thinking about sex, you have to consume human blood to actually have sex, and most people aren’t willing to spill for you like in the good old days. So you’re constantly hunting, and hunting is tiring. Look at Charlie Sheen’s face or Brett Michael’s hairline (also, how did he survive that subarachnoid brain hemorrhage in 2010?).

This is the part where you non-believers pee yourself and throw up your hands yelling, “What about female vampires then?!?”. To that I will only piss you off further by copping out and suggesting that vampirism is a sex-linked gene like color blindness in humans or Calico markings in cats. Besides, let’s be honest. Most movies only include female vampires as an excuse to get some really hot chick practically naked in an attempt to sell more tickets because the story actually sucks.

3. The avoidance of sun is your everyday hangover

I’m sure it takes a lot of alcoholic drinks to convince a person to let you bite his or her neck and consume a couple pints of blood. It probably also helps with the whole “blacking out and forgetting it happened” portion of the night. Most people aren’t going to trust a dude who continuously buys you drinks without consuming any himself, so you can imagine the vampire lifestyle consists of several nights out and several shots slammed.

Perhaps once upon a time, vampires were more biologically and painfully afflicted by UV exposure, but I’m going to suggest that, like the other things mentioned here, that has lessened over the passing of time. It is my belief that vampires suffer from alcohol indulgence in the same way as every 20-something college student: a gnarly morning-after hangover. Just like their human counterparts, vampires don’t exactly want to go bake in the sun with a splitting headache and whiskey sweats. I’m thinking they’ve probably traded in those coffins for blanket burritos, as well. Imagine trying to get a girl to knock boots in a coffin. That’s going to take a bit more than a couple Jack and Coke’s.

So there you have it. There is absolutely no need to fear Transylvania, trench coats, pale skin, or people with insomnia anymore. If vampires are real, they have been reduced to tired, alcoholic sex fiends licking their wounds on a therapist’s comfy chair. But hey, at least that’s better than air-brushed abs, glitter skin, and “getting lost in the feels”.

So the next time you receive a letter in the mail from the Red Cross, consider instead walking downtown on a Saturday night and offering some hema-elixir to the first washed-up musician that you come across. You’ve probably found a descendent of the once great Undead, and I bet you’d really make his night better.