I don't think a lot of people know what it is like to always be internally arguing with every decision you make. The amount of self-doubt that someone can feel cannot be measured by any simple metric system. And if you are friends with someone like this, it can be tiring to deal with. Now, I'm not talking about someone who is always fishing for compliments. No, there is this subtle difference between the two I think.
Someone who is fishing for compliments, who likes the constant social grooming of their peers will outwardly whine about their problems, their flaws, and how they can't fix them and how much easier others have it. But, someone who struggles with trusting themselves will silently suffer. They are too embarrassed by their lack of courage to speak up and express how much they doubt themselves. They are so embarrassed that they wear this mask of bravery and confidence. And let me tell you, it usually works. Well, at least in my experience with myself.
I would like to think that I am successful at wearing my "confidence" on my sleeve. But, I am questioning and over analyzing everything that I not only do, but think. I force myself to make a decision and I tell myself to put my best foot forward when making the decision because I do not want to come off as weak, and I sure as hell do not want to ask for help. I don't want to come off as dependent. But, I can't help over analyzing everything that comes my way. Whether it is someone's tone or their texting pattern changes, I will find some reason to blame myself for it and try to figure out what I had said or done wrong. My self-doubt goes as far as my actions with not only my friends, but the one girl I should have the most confidence with. I constantly question my actions around her, even just deciding how close to sit next to her stresses me out.
I question everything that I come into contact with and I never think what I choose to do is good enough or the right decision. My mind is like a broken record that says the same things to me over and over again. Being like this is frustrating because you want to believe that all of the mistrust and self-doubt that you're feelings is wrong, but no matter how much you try, you believe it anyways. It's always a constant "You're not good enough" or "You can't be happy, it's all a joke because you don't deserve to be happy". It's an intoxicating relationship with yourself and a terrible habit that needs to be broken.
People who don't struggle with this at some unhealthy degree have no idea what it's like. Your confidence is so fragile and easily broken. Someone could say one word to me and all the confidence that I thought I was gaining could be gone in an instant. Every wall that I forced myself to tear down and open up will steadily be rebuilt. See, because you acted a certain way, my brain has used that as fuel to remind me that I'm clearly doing something wrong and that all the new confidence you helped me achieve was just a lie. It's like you threw a pebble into the quiet pond that is my thoughts and created ripples. Only, the ripples start an earthquake and begin tearing down my confidence. And through the cracks that this earthquake leaves, my self doubt begins to flood. And pretty soon, I'll start to backtrack. My walls will rebuild around the pond so no more stones can be thrown. I'll pull away from you and sulk in bed all day. My self doubt screams at me and tells me that if I hadn't opened up and allowed myself to feel so strongly, I wouldn't be hurting. That it was too soon for me to allow you in because I'm not good enough and I say things that, even though I enjoy saying them to you, you don't want to hear.
Self doubt is a terrible thing that everyone needs help with. People who experience what I do, know how mentally exhausting it is to live with it. But, I have faith that someday it will get better. That not only I, but you will find your confidence again. It just takes patience.
