As someone who is known to take on *entanglements* that are not always in her best interest, I have had my fair share of doubts as relationships have progressed and found that deciding whether to stay really comes down to these four questions.
1. Am I happy?
It may seem silly and a rather simple first question, but are you? Are you really happy? Happy just to spend time with them - happy to be folding laundry next to them, happy to be doing whatever menial thing comes your way, as long as you're with your person? I think it's easy to be happy in the big moments, anniversaries, trips, activities that warrant a social media post, but behind closed doors, is that joy still there? Does it go away in everyday life?
It took me a long time to understand that I could be happy doing everyday things with someone - I was just trying to go from big moment to big moment like happiness was something to look forward to and not something that should be regularly present in the relationship.
2. Do I want a future with this person?
Do you see a deadline for the relationship? Or do you see it lasting? Do you think well maybe it'll be better by X date and ill re-evaluate then or if it's not better by X date I will end it. Losing hope that your relationship will last past a certain date is troubling. I have done this on more than one occasion and let me tell you, if you want it to end, just end it. Don't give it an expiration date because in doing so, its really already over and you're simply dragging it out.
3. Are my needs being met?
Do I feel heard, valued, supported, wanted, and loved? Am I getting enough attention? Are the basic things I need to want to be in a relationship being met? Or am I looking the other way and hoping things change?
I think this can be tricky, especially for people who have been told they are too much or have too high of standards or only deserve x, y, and z and should be happy with what they get - all things I have heard before. All things that have been detrimental to my self-worth. But when it comes down too it - my standards are my standards and I need what I need and if that isn't being met then...
4. Do I love who I am in this relationship?
If I saw myself in this relationship as a third party with I be happy with what I see? Do I work towards being a better person in this relationship or is it dragging me down? Changing my character? Does our relationship make me exhibit traits that I'm not proud of?
I have often found this to be the case when I am staying with the wrong person - in settling for someone I sacrifice who I am and do not like who I see in the mirror. I have had friends tell me I seem different, more on edge, unhappy, etc. and I always brushed it off because I couldn't tell the wrong relationship was making me colder. You live and you learn.
