Doubt Destroys More Than Failure Ever Will

(What Astori’s Death Has Taught Me)

Everytime a soccer player has a game he thinks about the two possible outcomes. He will either win or lose the match, but he’ll always come home. For Fiorentina captain and Italian International defender, Davide Astori, he was not able to return home to his life-partner and two-year old daughter, Vittoria. On the night before an away game against Udinese, Astori enjoyed himself with teammate and friend, Marco Sportiello, playing playstation. Tragically, he passed away in his sleep, sending shock waves in the soccer world. Fiorentina is an historic club in Italy enjoying recent successes in the league, but the summer of 2017 signaled an exodus of the team’s star players for financial reasons. Astori was the only starter to stick by the club and was justifiably designated captain. He was a true leader and brilliant person. He always led by example with his exemplary professionalism and was setting the standard for this new Fiorentina team (youngest average squad in Italian league) to blossom. He once said that “footballers have to realize how lucky we are to have the job we have...we get to play a game...with that we have a huge social responsibility.” An educated man that always looked to set a good example and realized the fragility of human life. The outpouring of emotional tributes from teammates across the continent are heartbreaking (especially Ricky Saponara’s https://www.instagram.com/p/Bf8Kcfln3_C/?taken-by=... ) The very best are always taken too early.

It is important to reflect in times like this. Reflect on one’s one life. That is what this tragic event has reminded me to do. I have recently thought about what I have done well, what I wish I could have done better, and what I will do in the future to make sure that at the end of my days, my lasting impact will be like Astori’s.

Let me start by reiterating that I am an extremely fortunate person to have the family, friends, lifestyle, and memories that I do possess. I completely understand how great the world has been to me. My greatest weakness however, has been my own self-doubt. The only thing I am guilty of is being someone who has been afraid of living. Afraid to do things out of my comfort zone. Afraid of failing and not being good enough.

There are two types of boxers. One is the boxer that is full of confidence, does not worry about his opponent’s strengths and weaknesses, goes for big punches because he thinks he is ready and will win as long as he goes for the win. The second kind of boxer is the one that spends countless hours reviewing his opponent’s strategy. He tries to find the perfect solution to winning the fight after relentless research. He is completely obsessed, but is still unsure of his own abilities to overcome the challenge. They are much more stressed about the coming battle despite the preparation. Both boxers can achieve great successes, but it is clear which one is going through more emotional turmoil. As a soccer player and student, I have always been the second type of boxer.

As a player if I hadn’t been doing well in training, I would feel insecure about my ability to perform in the game. If I had trained really well, then I would still be anxious about if I could replicate my abilities come gametime. I was intimidated by coaches so I would not tell them what I thought (which probably would have benefited the team ;) who knows) and I would be incredibly nervous for games against high-quality opponents because of my lack of confidence that I was good enough to beat them. As I have grown older (with less injuries knock on wood) I have improved my psychological strength in this aspect, but it was definitely something that has held me back. Honestly speaking, yes I do have regrets about my soccer career. I do not think I lived up to my potential talents and passion, but it does not mean that I haven’t enjoyed myself and thanked God for every minute I am still able to do what makes me smile most.

In the classroom, I was not always the quickest to answer questions out loud, even if I was pretty sure I was right. Teachers and professors would ask something, I would have a very well-thought out response, but feel that maybe my peers would not understand my thought process or someone would find a fault in my observation. So instead, I’d be quiet (unless it was in Italian or sports psychology class because I KNEW knew the answer) while the discussion went on and very often another intelligent student would say something I was thinking of saying and the teacher would sing their praises while I probably just said something minorly offensive about that student.

In my social life (and please understand the trepidation I have revealing this info) I was always a shy guy (my mario kart character of choice). I did not and still do not love the “going out scene.” I am like the Aziz Ansari character that sits with his buddies and makes hilarious, albeit slightly jealous comments about other people who were thoroughly enjoying their night out. Although according to my mother I am a very handsome guy, I have not acted with the confidence of someone was aware of this trait. Without embarrassing myself too much, I will limit my story-telling to just mentioning the one time I talked to a girl at a bar and somehow got on the topic of the geography of Japan, which I somehow forgot the correct information about. Needless to say I struck out.

So at this point it may seem like the lesson I have learned is that I am loser. Quite the contrary. I have learned that self-doubt will make you angrier with yourself than trying and falling flat on your face ever will. Perfect example is that poorly executed conversation with the pretty girl at the bar. I take a funny story away from it and I’m certain she got a laugh from it as well. It is the many conversations with crushes that I never had the grapes to start that leave me disappointed in myself. It is the conversations with coaches I wish I was confident enough to have when I had something to say that make me think “what if?” Maybe I could have become something even greater. The lesson I will take from this is to rise up to the occasion and be no longer afraid of the possible outcome. I will be a fearless person now.

Everybody goes to sleep. No matter who you are. At the end of the day, every single one of us lies down somewhere to go to sleep. You may be a rich man, a poor man, a family guy, a happy person, someone suffering from depression, or an innocent child. We all fall asleep. The only thing that this shows me is that we are all equal. We are all human. We have insecurities. We are fragile. The world is tough for everyone and everyone faces problems. So the important thing to keep in mind is that you are no better nor worse than anyone else. Every person is important. Before judging someone for how they act, remember they are facing their own battle that we might not know anything about. Once we start to do that will we find an inner peace and calmness. The lesson here is to be caring and to be a good person to everyone. I will be a compassionate person now.

Going back to Davide Astori for a moment, I want to stress the significance of being a role model. Professional players are seen as being immortals. They are people too that make mistakes and are just as fragile as us. Young kids around the world idolize these players. They want to be just like them and will copy things they do from how they play, to their cleats, to hairstyles, their tattoos and so on. I know this because I am one of those kids and my room is covered wall to wall with my favorite players. Davide Astori was a perfect role model. He was not a gifted individual, but worked hard to improve, sacrificed, and was always learning tactically which is why he achieved what he was able to as a top-class defender. A caring person that was always the first to training or team breakfasts, always setting the correct example. He was part of many charities and always had time to share a joke with fans because he understood that soccer without fans is nothing at all. I just love his quote about loving his job. It is thanks to people like him that soccer is the greatest game in the world because of the emotion it gives people.

4 days after his death, Davide Astori’s funeral was held in Florence’s famous Santa Croce cathedral. Over 8,000 people were in attendance. There were some unbelievable scenes of Fiorentina fans singing their fallen captain’s name as if he were still leading them out onto the pitch. Juventus’ Italian contingent including coach Max Allegri who coached Astori at Cagliari were in there less than 12 hours after an incredible win over Tottenham in the Champions League. What happened next is very rarely seen in Italy. Fiorentina fans cheered and applauded Juventus players (one of the most heated rivalries in Italy). Astori always acted as a sporting role model, this may be the lasting impact such a gentleman figure like Astori will leave. Uniting a country that is so often brutally divided. This too shows the importance of understanding that in the end, soccer is just a game, and there are more important things in life.

http://the18.com/soccer-videos/fiorentina-captain-...

This journey we go on is not simple by any means. For me, the goal is to enrich that path with as many great memories, great people, and great emotions. It’s important to find things you like to do and DO them. To dare is to do. Be brave and gamble on yourself because no one else will. Never let that self-doubt hold you back. What’s the worst that could happen. Make the most of our limited time on this planet like Astori did. Be a positive person to society and make the lives around you better. We don’t know what happens next. We’ll be lucky if it is as amazing and overwhelmingly complex as this one. Buon Viaggio Capitan Astori.