The word "doubt" is used only a few times in the bible. It is by far most associated with Thomas who, when seeing Jesus for the first time after his resurrection needed to touch Jesus' wounds to believe that he had actually come again. So Thomas is forever known as the doubter, a kind of oxymoron for a disciple. But perhaps not.
Peter denies Jesus three times on the day of his crucifixion; Judas betrays Jesus to the Roman soldiers. Throughout the gospels, Jesus consistently laments the ignorance of those who follow him and their inability to truly live as God wishes them too, even these chosen ones. Doubt and disbelief are present all around Jesus and this seems unfair to me. I think of Thomas and I am angry- angry because Jesus stands clearly and right before him and still he doubts. I find myself wishing I had this luxury: to doubt and then touch. And I wonder why this doubter would be written into the story of Jesus, or why this doubt would be tolerated from one whose whole job is to believe.
Today we speak of Thomas the doubter and this defines him. I don't think that this was meant to be the case. I think this singular label is one of the problems with faith. Thomas doubts. This is undeniable and profound, but this is not to say that he is incapable of belief. He feels the wounds of Jesus and knows his truth. I think this is the message of Thomas. It is human to doubt. I grew up in a family of faith and at times it felt very isolating to feel like I was the only person who struggled sometimes with issues of faith. I think this is the case with many people who were brought up in a faith. It seems easy for everyone else and this makes it even harder for you. But if Thomas taught me anything it's that everyone doubts. Everyone struggles and wrestles with whatever they believe in. Entrusting yourself to a higher power is an exercise in trust and this is not something that comes naturally to most.
My grandma tells me that in whatever I believe I should believe it deeply. I think deep faith means that you can't escape doubt, this only serves as a way to know you have waded deep enough to not trust your feet on the ground. So believe in other people, believe in fate, in God, believe in nature or believe in yourself, but do so deeply and know that everyone doubts.
