December 31, 2015: You’re surrounded by your loved ones, and everyone is hype for 2016. Everyone is ready to start tomorrow, and they’re already making the classic jokes; all right, you get it, it’s their last shower of the year, ha ha. People are shooting premature fireworks before it’s even midnight, to your annoyance, but you pretend it’s all right because hey, it’s a celebration, and you’re here to party in the new year!

And then, as everyone begins to count down, you remember all the New Years Resolutions you’ve made in the past…

5. You will go to the gym.

This one is a massive failure. You’re either too hungover or too tired or too lazy or too bloated to go on the first day of 2016, so you promise yourself: tomorrow, you’ll go to the gym. Then, tomorrow turns into five days, then a week, and you take as long as you can picking the right workout clothes.

You go once, maybe twice, maybe even a couple times that first month, and then February comes and it’s not the new year anymore, it’s just another month to procrastinate. So, bye gym, hello Netflix.

4. You will eat healthier.

All right, last year, you didn’t go to the gym as often as you should have, but it’s OK! You’ll do your best to go to to the gym, but in case you give up again, you’ll eat a lot of greens. Celery, lettuce, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts… You know, that stuff. Carrots, too. But only with ranch. And french fries. And maybe some Hot Cheetos, too…

Okay, eating healthy is hard, but why deny yourself the heaven that is Chick-fil-A? Their chicken sandwiches have lettuce in them, too. It counts.

3. You will say no to alcohol.

Sure, you have one glass of champagne to celebrate 2016, but that’s it for the week. You’re going to limit yourself now. You’ll only go out once a week because the fall semester is over and it’s time to get serious about your grades. You still need to apply and get accepted into your major, and being permanently drunk (or permanently hungover) is not going to help.

This one starts off pretty well. It’s break, so naturally, you’re going to spend that time in bed, cuddled with your pet or your pillow, playing yet another "Friends" rewatch. But then it’s syllabus week and since it’s not like there’s any actual work to do… you might as well get out. In the words of a friend of mine, “It’s not alcoholism, it’s just college culture.”

2. You will keep your bank account happy.

Being in college often means transitioning into adulthood, and you know what that means -- you’re a few years away to being financially independent. Your parents aren’t going to pitch in for gas anymore, and your online shopping addiction? Yep, you’re on your own. No more notifications from your bank that you have less than $25 in your checking account. You are going to be Responsible Financially Responsible Adult.

But it’s New Year, and all the good sales are happening right now… OK, maybe just this one month, you’ll splurge. And you have to meet up with all your friends over a cup of coffee or lunch, and then there are T-shirts to buy. Yep, your wallet is screwed.

1. You will start being on time.

No more procrastination! You are ready to get your life together and start using your alarm clock more wisely.

And then you remember how easy it was to give up on your previous New Year’s Resolutions and quickly change your mind to…

0. Make 2016 your best year yet.