You went the extra mile constantly for a boy yet he couldn't give you the time of day even though you deserved sunlight like the North Pole during the summer solstice.
You did everything for a boy who just couldn't see what you had in store. As if behind your eyes weren't their own galaxies undiscovered. As if you mind wasn't an ocean he could get lost in. As if your body wasn't a landscape not even the best explorers have yet to understand.
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You have spent your nights trying to help him, trying to cure the madness in his life though you had you own to worry about. Asking him always what you could do, but never once receiving the same treatment back. See that's the difference between you and him. You will go to the end of the earth for those you care about and he refuses to even open his eyes and see the demons holding you down like chains.
You kept blaming yourself. Blaming yourself. Blaming yourself. Why do you do these FUCKING things. Why did you piss him off. Why did you make him want to ignore you? Why didn't you speak up? Why do you have a voice? Why do I have a voice?
Why did I put myself on mute for a man who could not see the oceans inside of me, the galaxies I possessed, the landscapes unseen. All because I needed to be wanted though he didn't really want ME. I am so much better than a man who can't see past my physical self into my mind. Why did he pretend like he cared? That's not my question to ask anymore. Why did he move on so fast? Because he found someone else's shallow waters and empty solar system, and dessert ecosystems to explore. Do not blame yourself for the vastness the poor boy didn't see in you, because one day you will be the earth he used to live on while he is still trying to find another planet so he can relearn how to breath.
I wrote this one day after I found a guy I used to talk to Instagramming and Snapchatting about other girls (oh the power of social media) just days after what I guess you could call a "break up" though we were never actually dating. We didn't date because college and life and labels are dumb and blah blah blah. Anyway this "break up" was soon after him distancing himself from me and somehow deflecting the issues in his life on me and making it my fault for wanting to help. But honest to God I am not here to bash him, I am here to be the sign you are looking for. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM.
You will go through break ups constantly throughout your life until you find the one that sees the potential you truly have inside. I could lie to you and tell you it gets easier with time or it's easier without a label but it's not. I spent every weekend of the last month (I normally live on campus) at home become I usually spent my weekends with him. These weekends I spent with my family and my friends and my beloved dog so it truly wasn't all bad but it helped me realize I'm a runner. I can't run away from every bad situation life throws at me though I'd love to, and neither can you. Sometimes you have to face reality head on. Unfortunately, the world doesn't revolve around you (confusing concept that I didn't truly understand until recently) so when things go wrong it is not, and I repeat not okay to blame yourself. You don't blame a flower for not growing in sand, you move it to soil. Find a guy that feeds your roots, that helps you feel like yourself. Find a guy that helps you grow. Stop blaming yourself for the shitty boys you encounter (though I am directing this towards dating it's relative with any relationship). Find somewhere where your roots can dig deeps and you can grow into the YOU you want to be. Stop giving him excuses. It's not you, it's him.
