My girlfriend and I were stunned, but we couldn’t allow the smiles to escalate into laughter when we saw what she did. Our eyes bulged out at each other in a moment of shared disbelief. All the while, the Nutella jar stared back at us.
...
It was like all Saturday mornings, lying in bed, doing our thing. The two of us generated enough power to rival steam engines, our intertwined bodies heightening her dorm's humidity.
Mirrors fog with that action.
Being with the same person for some time opens doors. Eventually, a Columbus-like quest to explore takes ahold of each partner. Around that time, our fuel for more had a grip on us.
If you've yet to dirty the sheets with a form of chocolate sauce, let me tell you, those stains do not come out easily. But some messes are worth the trouble. Good parents put up with shitty diapers because they love their kids.
Perched atop her desk was our delectable sauce of choice, calling for attention. Typical humans apply it to toast, even make a mid-afternoon sandwich out of the hazelnut spread. But for us, Nutella was a lifestyle.
The container was not to be consumed with food, but with love.
Kinky? You tell me. All I know is there is a cultural fascination with the use of Nutella in the boudoir that influenced us to drop $3. A fantastic purchase might I add. Ohhh, in the heat of the moment, no thought concerning the cleanliness of our hands went into scooping for more. Lying there that Saturday, a half-empty bottle was sealed once more.
Without a knock, she entered. One of my girlfriend's best friends, now apologizing for barging in on our under-the-blanket nudity. In her defense, she didn't know I was there. But all was well. My girl and I hadn't broken free from focusing on each other. We heard the suction of a finger lick.
"Mm, whose Nutella?"
A nuclear bomb's worth of holy shit energy exploded in our hearts. It all happened so fast.
What we saw appalled us. Her friend had, without second thought, opened the bedside jar and gone at it with a hardy dip. She tightened the cap, set it down, and wrapped up the conversation. Then poof! Gone.
If only she knew... oh the humanity.
I can't imagine how hard and fast the gagging would come. Any effort on our part to keep the contents of that jar free from certain fluids went away after purchase. And damn, girlfriend to girlfriend, I know that would be some vomit. Just imagine ingesting some of your bff's fluids, as microscopic as it gets. No thank you. I say that emphatically.
There really are some things better left unshared. My God it was hilariously unsettling. I'm sure we've all had our fill of booger infested slushies and hairy sandwiches. But I vow to never eat random Nutella by the bed.
Do yourselves a similar favor. Believe the worst in people for your own benefit. That chocolate sauce conveniently placed by the mattress isn't so innocent. I've lived its guilt.
So have your parents.
