Do you ever find yourself walking down an aisle at the grocery store and see someone you kind of know? They might stop and say, "Hi, how are you," not really as a question but almost as a statement. Have you ever been walking from classes at your school and you pass an acquaintance who stops to make small talk with you? Or have you ever gone somewhere and found yourself standing or sitting next to a stranger and you started talking with him or her? Unfortunately, most of the time, the conversation goes nowhere.
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I think most of us have encountered one of these situations at some point in our lives. In such a situation, you might find yourself making small talk. But ask yourself if you ever remember any of those conversations or what were they like? Were they enjoyable or interesting? Did you feel more connected or acquainted with the person after speaking with them?
My first experience with the common, "Hi. How are you?" was at school in the hallway when a teacher passed by me said, "Hi!" kept walking and asked, "How are you?" as she was now halfway down the hall walking in the opposite direction as me. I turned around and just looked at her walking away from me in unbelief wondering why she asked me how I was doing if she wasn't going to stop and listen. Of course, I started laughing silently because that is how I react to awkward situations.
Since then, I have seen where she got that from. In college and working in a grocery store, I have seen this happen time and time again as people pass each other. I am guilty of doing it myself. Thus, in my experience, the outcome doesn't usually leave the people feeling more connected. For that reason, when I pass someone I have started to warmly greet them and compliment or encourage them, but I won't ask how they are doing if I don't have time to listen. Not because I don't care (I really do care how people are doing), but because I want my words to mean something. If I ask how you are doing, I want to listen to what you have to say.
One year ago, Kalina Silverman started a movement to skip "small talk" as an experiment because she noticed how people were having surface level conversations when there is so much more to know about a person! Check out her video below:
Now, those are the kind of conversations that seem difficult to start, but when we have them with each other, they might leave us feeling like we live in a world that is driven by more than time, technology, work, and money.
Growing up, I have seen how my dad loves people and learning languages. At many restaurants he will make a person's day because he asks them questions about their nationality, where they come from, and what their interests are based on the things that he notices. I have been surprised at how many people's faces light up when he asks them about who they are or surprises them with a greeting in their native language. Even as a mere bystander, I feel like those interactions that go beyond, "Hi, how are you?" make me feel more delighted to be around people.
So, try it! Ask some people about the life experiences that led them to where they are today. Ask about what they want to do before they die. Ask about their family. Ask something that really interests you, but be sure to be gentle with your words and remember that each person does not have to answer if they don't want to.
It may seem risky because we are not used to getting to know other people in this way, but (from what I have gathered) it is definitely worth it! So, I want to challenge you to try to have a conversation with someone that goes beyond the surface, asking him more about who he is. Ask her about her dreams and her goals. These might be touchy subjects, but they embody a person, and you may be surprised at the outcome of the conversation.
