Free agent quarterback and money flashing enthusiast Johnny Manziel has recently stated that he is no longer "lost in the sauce". These words came right from the mouth of one of the biggest villains to ever step on a college football field. Johnny's time at Texas A&M was a dream of anyone who loves beer, good times, and more beers. It was a privilege watching Johnny suit up in the helmet and shoulder pads every Saturday. What quarterback in the football world today is there to cheer on that gets soaked in booze and then hits the gridiron guns blazing? Nobody that's who. With job openings seemingly everywhere, a lot of people especially me are expecting Johnny to get another shot. The league needs a villain like you Johnny, and you need the league. You need the NFL to sweat out all the Busch Lights you guzzle down Monday through Saturday my man. Ever since Jim McMahon retired, the NFL has had a lack of degenerates. Don't take me the wrong way- seeing Rob Gronkowski shotgun beers left and right on a parade float in front of millions of New England Patriot fans and families is great, but Manziel is a true rebel. I need to know that there is a quarterback in the NFL that plays the game as quick and loose as a Donald Trump press conference. Next season, I need Johnny to make a comeback but not just any comeback, I'm talking MVP of the damn league comeback. I need a better "Johnny Football" than the one I watched on Saturdays when he suited up as an Aggie, super "Johnny Football" is what I am saying. He needs to be so super "Johnny Football" that when he flashes his money fingers, he whips out real dollar bills and then lights them on fire. I need this "Johnny Football" doing Trojan condom commercials, hanging with Tupacs ghost, and dressing like the boss villain of any last level in a video game. You want to know why I need all this? Because it's fun to watch and right now the National Football league isn't that fun. I need Johnny back. I need the fun. I need the stories that put a smile on my face and bring me back to a simpler time. I don't want to wake up on Sunday mornings anymore to a league without Johnny Manziel.
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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
StableDiffusion
Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face
StableDiffusionThis tradition is meant to drive away bad spirits of the past, but honestly, it's more like a free concert...your friends should really be paying you for your services if you decide to do this on New Year's Eve.
Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket
StableDiffusionIt's been sitting there since what, 8:00? You snooze you lose, and besides, no one's paying attention to you anyway.
Pop Twelve White Grapes
StableDiffusionIf you were in Spain, everyone would be doing just this. One grape for every month of the year. It's supposed to be lucky and stuff.
Burn Something
Photo by Ian Schneider on UnsplashIt's really not that odd-- families in Ecuador burn scarecrows every year on New Year's Eve. It's a symbol of diminishing the negativity of last year. Perhaps preform this one outside though, just to be safe of course.
Smash Things Against a Wall
Photo by Lidye on UnsplashWe can thank the Irish for this bright idea, they use bread specifically though. Who knows why this is a tradition, but it certainly seems like it could be incredibly soothing, don't you think?
Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig
Photo by Melissa Askew on UnsplashThis isn't lucky or symbolic of anything, but it'll give you something to do at the stroke of midnight and you'll look god damn cool doing it.
Call Your Mother
rotary telephone
Photo by Vinicius "amnx" Amano on UnsplashWell, she did give birth to you. Midnight on New Year's Eve seems as good a time as any to thank her.
Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window
Photo by Kinga Howard on UnsplashAccording to South African tradition, it doesn't necessarily have to be a coffee table. It could be a futon, an ottoman, an armoire, really any piece of furniture that's old. It's for luck of course.
Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs
Photo by Chang Duong on UnsplashChannel your inner Beyonce, or Mariah, or whoever your Pop Star Diva Queen is and belt that tune. It'll be fantastic mood music.
Do Some Squats
Photo by Meghan Holmes on UnsplashMay as well start the New Year off by working on your inevitable resolution to drop some pounds. Why waste a single moment, you're likely forget the resolution by February anyway.
Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water
Photo by Brayden Prato on UnsplashAnother foreign tradition, this one is practiced by Germans. The kick of it is, you've got to do it while holding a lit torch. Again, who knows why this is a tradition, but its certainly sounds like a fun little challenge to ring in the New Year.
Take a Shot
Photo by Duri from Mocup on UnsplashAnd by shot, naturally I mean a snapshot. Perhaps a group photo, a selfie, or even an unfortunate snipe of your best friend. You'll feel loads better knowing you'll have something to always remember the first moments of 2025 by.
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